We all have hurts. Seems like a pretty accurate fact to state am I right? If anyone can sit there and tell me they haven't been through something that has changed them, hurt them, and made them feel overwhelmed...then he or she is a big ol' liar! It's just life. We face some tough stuff and it's how we deal with it that determines the outcome. Actually, rather who we turn to to help us deal with it. I'm all about being tough, probably a little too about it in fact. I rather suck it up all day and act like there's nothing wrong, than to admit, in my head, what is weakness. For whatever reason, I came up with the ridiculous idea that tears, talking about your hurts, and admitting to struggling are all weaknesses. Obviously I'm wrong, and clearly that has lead to a not so great strategy at dealing with things. If crying was a weakness, I'd be the biggest baby these last few weeks! HAHA. I would say it's not secret that I've been struggling with some tough stuff...but it is! Few know what I'm up against, and it's not necessarily something I just go around talking about. Now, I told myself I'd never address this through my blog, but (a) because I'm a real gal who has real problems, I feel as though some can relate, and (b) it's almost like therapy to write about stuff! Anyways, without going into great detail, I battle PTSD from falling victim in a prior circumstance. It's a type of pain I though I would never, ever encounter...a type of hurt that would never present itself in my life. It did though. For the longest time, I shrugged it off, didn't address it, played it cool. Recently, however, it's been a constant war. From not sleeping a wink for nights on end, to crying for hours at night...it's not been easy. I say this not for pity, but just because it's real. I know you've probably had the same sort of grief symptoms. Maybe you've fallen victim to some sort of abuse, maybe a loved one has died in an accident, suicide may have taken a friend from you...whatever it is, I just want to share God's love. I'm a natural born leader, and tend to be the 'strong' one is times of grief. I rather not talk about what's going on in my life, and instead be there for someone else. This isn't necessarily because I'm overly compassionate or anything, more likely the case being I will avoid showing (perceived) weakness at any cost! God sure knows how to break down walls though, because he clearly placed by boyfriend in my life as the one person who I completely open up to, praise the Lord for that! Ok, anyway, back on topic. All day, everyday, I walk around concealing this huge secret. Every look, every stare, even every casual glance I take as challenge. To be real honest, for the last few weeks, from sun up to sun down, my mind has been in a constant battle with the events that have led up to this point. It's like I finally have come to terms with what happened. The sheer fact of the matter is that I was a victim. Victim to me implies weakness...(well at least in my old mindset.) What happened to me was out of my control, but 'what if's' go through my head at all times still. It's crazy because during every other tough circumstance in my life I've known exactly what to do. I give it to God, read the verses I know will help me, and then move on. This time around however, I haven't known what to do. For the first time in well, my whole life, I had no idea what move to make, I was completely overwhelmed. Even today I struggled with that. At one point this evening while being real honest with myself and blogging, I lost it. Tears streaming down my face, I audibly cried out to God and just said 'I have no idea what I'm doing, Lord take this.' The feeling of not being in control is the hardest for me! Even in the strongest times of my life, when things were great, God was leading me at full steam, and I felt on top of it, I would still rely on those little plans I had mapped out in my head. Francesca Battistelli sings this in one of her songs: "I'm letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams. I'm losing control of my destiny. It feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe, so I'm letting go." This, this right here, this little chorus is the conscious choice I've had to make. Without anyone knowing, I hit rock bottom. No, physical harm did not happen (even though stress has had those results) financially I'm fine, everything looks to be going great...it's just the emotional rock bottom that has found me. It's found me broken down, lacking strength, and doubting hope. Woahhh, those are some serious negative thoughts right?! Well, again, I'm human. If I said I always had this idealist attitude, I'd be lying to you. These thoughts however have been replaced. The song I referenced above goes on to say: "This is a giant leap of faith, trusting and trying to embrace. The fear of thee unknown, beyond my comfort zone, but I'm letting go." There is it. Letting go is scary. The unknown is uncomfortable. Fact. But, what else do we have? Obviously I can't do it on my own. Whatever plans in my head of gaining back strength, were clearly not working. One of my go to quotes. from Pinterest of course, is 'Forget what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you.' In this crazy mess, I have learned a lot. Honestly, I'm not on the other side of it yet, and waking up each morning and facing it is a struggle. However, I have learned so much about myself, so much about the people around me, and most importantly so much about my Savior and his unfailing love for me. I almost get choked up typing that, because His love is SO UNFAILING! In the midst of absolute ugliness, his love shines on me like the brightest light you could imagine. He does that for everyone who calls upon his name. Forgiveness for the awful acts against me is a whole other blog posting I could go on about, but the bottom line is I'm letting go. I'm letting go of that anger, hurt, and frustration. I'm letting God work instead. I'm a work in progress however. At the end of most postings I can claim to have done a complete turn around. Here and now, I'm still working at it. Actually, and more importantly, God is working at it. With the inexcusable act that was committed against me, I'm choosing to take up an attitude of hope and determination..rather than resentment and hate! These wounds I have, deep as they are, will not turn me into someone I'm not. Whatever issues you're facing, let God take the reins. The hurt? Forget it. The lessons in which you've gained from dealing with it? Bring those with you everywhere.
But by the grace of God I am what I am... 1 Corinthians 15:10
No comments:
Post a Comment