Is this real life?

My friend Chelsea and I often say the expression "is this real life?" in unexpected situations, whether good, bad, or indifferent. Lately, I've found myself repeating this over and over again in my head. October 23rd. A day in which no one could have foreseen what would happen. As I made my way back from grocery shopping, I returned to my apartment and sat down to write a paper. I was successfully procrastinating on doing so when I got a phone call from my grandma. My NFL ringtone sounded and I picked up. She asked if I was home and said they'd be there in a few minutes. Quickly I ran out into the living room and told my roommate we should probably clean up a little. I figured they were just stopping by to see the place, but jokingly said aloud 'hope they aren't hear to break some bad news.' I typically enjoy being right, but in this case, I would have given anything to be wrong. I greeted them at the door and quickly picked up on a solemn tone. My grandma said to me 'I'm going to have to tell you the hardest news of your life, we better sit down.' Thoughts were racing through my head as we proceed to the couch. She grabbed my hands, looked up at me, and with a shaky voice said 'your dad is gone.' The only thing I could say was 'what?' I didn't know what was happening. I kept repeating the same word, but the confusion continued. She explained to me that he had shot himself that evening and my heart sank...it sank to the lowest place it had ever been. My immediate thought was to call my go to guy, my boyfriend. As I locked my self in the bathroom, I dropped to the floor in tears. As I dialed his number, my head was spinning. He answered and in a sobbing voice I said my 'my dad, he's gone!' He obviously couldn't understand what I was saying through the crying. I dropped the phone in udder shock to the words I had just muttered. He called me back immediately and I tried to explain what was going on. We both were freaking out to say the least. I told him I loved him and his comforting voice said the same words back to me. In that moment, he became my rock even more so. At the same time, my mom had called another phone, and I went to go answer that. In sheer disbelief, I held the most unwanted conversation, a conservation about the circumstances leading up to this awful news. I was hurting not only for myself, but mostly for my mom. I agreed to come home that night and also, very unwillingly I might add, agreed to have my uncle drive my truck back. During that forty-five minute drive, I played the song 'I Shall Belief' over and over again. Even in that moment of raw sadness, anger, confusion, and hurt...it felt as though God was holding me. We made our way to my driveway and as my loud diesel truck roared up the hill, I saw countless cars backed all the way down the road and was soon met with tons of police vehicles gathered around the shop. This was crazy. I didn't know if I wanted to punch everyone in the face, run away from this scene, or just cry. In this mix of crazy emotions, people were the last thing I wanted to deal with. All I wanted was my horse and dog. In a brief confrontation with an out of county officer who wouldn't allow me to go out to the horse stalls, I'm pretty sure I threatened him. Ooops. Not sorry about that. Anyway, I successfully won that little argument and went out to see Fanny. Usually a mean old horse, she was sweet and lowered her head into my arms. I calmed down a bit and fed her some grain. With a little bit of steam blown off, I went back into the house. Of course people were all over trying to console me, but really, it just made it worse. I just kept thinking 'is this real life?' In my head...well..nothing was clear..I had no idea what to do or think. The crazy thing is that even in that great confusion when nothing made sense, God did. I talked again to Michael and his loving words made the difference. He calmed me down and assured me that he would be there as soon as possible. Again, I emerged from my room and faced the people in the house. Dwindling down to just family, the situation became a lot more manageable. Instead of wanting to throw down on everyone, I begin to accept the love and support from those closest to me. The feeling in the house was surreal. I didn't sleep that night, but instead clung to a cross necklace that was my dad's. Ironically, I was clinging to God and that silver chain was almost a symbol of that. That night, everything was raw. Raw thoughts, raw emotions, raw feelings. I wasn't processing anything. God's love and strength never left me however. It would have been real easy to set the tone of 'why God, why?' and just run from him, but I am ever thankful that my initial reaction was the complete opposite. Even in a house full of people I felt alone, and turning to God was what I was left with. It was a make or break decision. In the midst of death, I had living hope.

We Have a Living Hope

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. In God’s great mercy he has caused us to be born again into a living hope, because Jesus Christ rose from the dead. Now we hope for the blessings God has for his children. These blessings, which cannot be destroyed or be spoiled or lose their beauty, are kept in heaven for you. God’s power protects you through your faith until salvation is shown to you at the end of time.1 Peter 1:3-5

Living, defined as an adjective, means having life and being full of it also. Hope, defined as a noun, means a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment. Put the two together and what do you get? A belief in fulfillment that is full of life. As believers, this is ours. The church that my parents attended, and that I then switched to, is appropriately named Living Hope Church. This attitude of belief in fulfillment couldn't be better demonstrated than it is there. My dad, having a simple faith, loved the Lord above all else. He believed it was a about a relationship, rather than religion. He didn't complicate it. He didn't judge. He didn't exclude. Living hope, both the church and the belief, do the same. Having a living hope isn't about all the 'rights' you do in a day, it's about believing in our Savior and not wavering in the trust of his ever present faith, hope, and love. Even when your life is full of 'wrongs,' you are not far away from having a living hope. My dad is dead, fact. My hope is alive, fact. It's crazy to me that even in this time of great loss, I have never felt more fulfilled. Of course that doesn't mean things aren't hard... because heck no they are! It just means that the Lord is in control and he blesses those who love and trust him. I'm not trying to tell a sob story or anything, I just want to show how great our God is. In the last three years, I have faced the three hardest things of my life. I was told I wouldn't walk for a minimum of two years, I fell victim to a traumatic incident and was diagnosed with PTSD, and now I've lost my dad and best friend. Do I want pity? No way. All I want is to show that God puts back together the broken pieces with the living hope that we are blessed with. I'm not the strongest, in fact, I'm quite weak. On my own, my strength is useless. Sure, maybe I can stack some hay or bench a little weight, but other than that, I'm a pansy. It's ONLY through GOD that I am strong. I have tattooed on me, Only God, because it's true. Without him, I'd be lost. Without a living hope, I'd be depressed. I've talked to so many people in their efforts to extend their condolences, and the saddest thing has been seeing those without a faith and the despair that is so evident. It's now more than ever so true: when you're down to nothing, God is up to something. I encourage everyone to pursue God. Don't pursue religion, pursue faith.

Death present, but I'm clinging the the living hope that is mine. Inside me is a weak heart, but behind it a strong God. It's ONLY GOD, people, it's only him.

Sometimes, you just want to punch someone in the face.

Punching someone in the face. Maybe it's not proper, nor socially acceptable, but sometimes you just really want to do it. You know you've been here; life has thrown it's greatest curve-ball, fastball, screwball, and foul ball....all in the same inning, and you already have two outs. To put it simply, life at the moment sucks and you're beyond over it. Yeah, now you know what I'm talking about. Well, I can swear to being there now myself. In high school, during basketball season, if I came home from a particularly stressful day and wanted to punch something, I would go for a run. Not only would it get that blood flowing, stress perspiring, and give me a chance to cool down (not literally,) it would help to get into better shape for ball. Overall, it was a great way to blow off much needed steam. Afterward, I'd be sweaty, tired, and ready for a shower..but feeling much more relaxed and accomplished. These days jogging is more of a chore, something that has to be squeezed into my busy schedule. What if there was a jogging route that we could take that, as my basketball workout did,  benefited us in every aspect of life. Well, I found one. Hebrews 12:1 says 'Let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.' This race, while yes, requires hard work and determination, doesn't make you sweat as much as regular ol' jogging...well at least not literal hot, sweaty sweat. haha. We may sweat, but more in a metaphorical sense. Anyway, this race set before yields the greatest prize. Trophies are cool, medals are awesome, but how would you feel when eternal life was granted to you after you crossed that finish line? When running this race, we'll encounter hurdles, just like in track and field. These hurdles, however, will challenge you in a different way. Maybe it really is fighting the urge to punch someone in the face, or more likely, maybe it's forgiving someone regardless of what they did to you. Either way, this race isn't an easy one. What it is, however, is a worthwhile one! That crown of glory is looking pretty good to me. Just like an athlete conditions for his race,we must do the same for ours. Often times, above the locker room door, a motivational poster is tacked up. Before you head out of your "locker room" or more realistically your front door in the morning, remember this, 'Let all that I am praise the Lord..' Psalm 103:2. The next time I'm frustrated and have the undeniable urge to punch someone in the face, I will go run. I will increase my speed on the race set before me. I will call out to my coach, my God. I will praise him, honor him, and love him.

God Bless.

Forget what hurt you, not what it taught you.

We all have hurts. Seems like a pretty accurate fact to state am I right? If anyone can sit there and tell me they haven't been through something that has changed them, hurt them, and made them feel overwhelmed...then he or she is a big ol' liar! It's just life. We face some tough stuff and it's how we deal with it that determines the outcome. Actually, rather who we turn to to help us deal with it. I'm all about being tough, probably a little too about it in fact. I rather suck it up all day and act like there's nothing wrong, than to admit, in my head, what is weakness. For whatever reason, I came up with the ridiculous idea that tears, talking about your hurts, and admitting to struggling are all weaknesses. Obviously I'm wrong, and clearly that has lead to a not so great strategy at dealing with things. If crying was a weakness, I'd be the biggest baby these last few weeks! HAHA. I would say it's not secret that I've been struggling with some tough stuff...but it is! Few know what I'm up against, and it's not necessarily something I just go around talking about. Now, I told myself I'd never address this through my blog, but (a) because I'm a real gal who has real problems, I feel as though some can relate, and (b) it's almost like therapy to write about stuff! Anyways, without going into great detail, I battle PTSD from falling victim in a prior circumstance. It's a type of pain I though I would never, ever encounter...a type of hurt that would never present itself in my life. It did though. For the longest time, I shrugged it off, didn't address it, played it cool. Recently, however, it's been a constant war. From not sleeping a wink for nights on end, to crying for hours at night...it's not been easy. I say this not for pity, but just because it's real. I know you've probably had the same sort of grief symptoms. Maybe you've fallen victim to some sort of abuse, maybe a loved one has died in an accident, suicide may have taken a friend from you...whatever it is, I just want to share God's love. I'm a natural born leader, and tend to be the 'strong' one is times of grief. I rather not talk about what's going on in my life, and instead be there for someone else. This isn't necessarily because I'm overly compassionate or anything, more likely the case being I will avoid showing (perceived) weakness at any cost! God sure knows how to break down walls though, because he clearly placed by boyfriend in my life as the one person who I completely open up to, praise the Lord for that! Ok, anyway, back on topic. All day, everyday, I walk around concealing this huge secret. Every look, every stare, even every casual glance I take as challenge. To be real honest, for the last few weeks, from sun up to sun down, my mind has been in a constant battle with the events that have led up to this point. It's like I finally have come to terms with what happened. The sheer fact of the matter is that I was a victim. Victim to me implies weakness...(well at least in my old mindset.) What happened to me was out of my control, but 'what if's' go through my head at all times still. It's crazy because during every other tough circumstance in my life I've known exactly what to do. I give it to God, read the verses I know will help me, and then move on. This time around however, I haven't known what to do. For the first time in well, my whole life, I had no idea what move to make, I was completely overwhelmed. Even today I struggled with that. At one point this evening while being real honest with myself and blogging, I lost it. Tears streaming down  my face, I audibly cried out to God and just said 'I have no idea what I'm doing, Lord take this.' The feeling of not being in control is the hardest for me! Even in the strongest times of my life, when things were great, God was leading me at full steam, and I felt on top of it, I would still rely on those little plans I had mapped out in my head. Francesca Battistelli sings this in one of her songs: "I'm letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams. I'm losing control of my destiny. It feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe, so I'm letting go." This, this right here, this little chorus is the conscious choice I've had to make. Without anyone knowing, I hit rock bottom. No, physical harm did not happen (even though stress has had those results) financially I'm fine, everything looks to be going great...it's just the emotional rock bottom that has found me. It's found me broken down, lacking strength, and doubting hope. Woahhh, those are some serious negative thoughts right?! Well, again, I'm human. If I said I always had this idealist attitude, I'd be lying to you. These thoughts however have been replaced. The song I referenced above goes on to say: "This is a giant leap of faith, trusting and trying to embrace. The fear of thee unknown, beyond my comfort zone, but I'm letting go." There is it. Letting go is scary. The unknown is uncomfortable. Fact. But, what else do we have? Obviously I can't do it on my own. Whatever plans in my head of gaining back strength, were clearly not working. One of my go to quotes. from Pinterest of course, is 'Forget what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you.' In this crazy mess, I have learned a lot. Honestly, I'm not on the other side of it yet, and waking up each morning and facing it is a struggle. However, I have learned so much about myself, so much about the people around me, and most importantly so much about my Savior and his unfailing love for me. I almost get choked up typing that, because His love is SO UNFAILING! In the midst of absolute ugliness, his love shines on me like the brightest light you could imagine. He does that for everyone who calls upon his name. Forgiveness for the awful acts against me is a whole other blog posting I could go on about, but the bottom line is I'm letting go. I'm letting go of that anger, hurt, and frustration. I'm letting God work instead. I'm a work in progress however. At the end of most postings I can claim to have done a complete turn around. Here and now, I'm still working at it. Actually, and more importantly, God is working at it. With the inexcusable act that was committed against me, I'm choosing to take up an attitude of hope and determination..rather than resentment and hate! These wounds I have, deep as they are, will not turn me into someone I'm not. Whatever issues you're facing, let God take the reins. The hurt? Forget it. The lessons in which you've gained from dealing with it? Bring those with you everywhere.

But by the grace of God I am what I am... 1 Corinthians 15:10

Swimming lessons.

Remember when you were just learning how to swim? Dipping your feet into the pool, slowly wading in, clinging to the shallow end?  Maybe you had an instructor, a parent, or a few arm "floaties." Maybe you were scared, hesitant, not willing to leave your comfort zone. A lot of us had a mix of emotions similar to this. Now, if you successfully learned how to swim, you know that you had to overcome these fears; you had to take that risk of going into the deeper water. If we would have just stayed in the  shallow water, kept hanging out in the kiddie pool, refused to trust the one who was instructing us, then obviously there would be no gain. There would be no improvement, growth, or boost of self confidence. Luckily, I do know how to swim, and I'm glad I kicked my legs all the way into the deep end. You may be asking what in the world is the point of this posting, obviously this isn't a blog on the joys of swimming. What it is, however, is a blog reflecting my stance on faith, a faith that can be compared to swimming. When we first start out in our Christian walk, whether it was from the time we were little and always brought to church, or whether it came later in life, we start out in the "shallow end." Sure, being a new Christian yields a certain inner fire, but the level of knowledge and experience is still low...just like a little kid just getting into the pool. There's a lot of questions to be asked. Maybe the beginner swimmer asks how he should us his legs. In comparison, maybe the beginning Christian asks how to use their talents. In both situations, the starting line, so to speak, is exciting! You're so pumped to be learning such great things! Just as the new swimmer is scared to let go of the side, the new believer may be scared to let go of disapproving family. As you can see, there are a lot of comparisons and examples that can be applied to both this learning experiences. Now, in my walk, I am definitely not a beginner. I've shedded the "floaties" and have been submerged into the deep end many, many times. Just as a swimmer becomes tired, my faith has done the same. Instead of making waves in the pool, I've been content to just tread water calmly. Instead of looking for opportunities to grow, I have just remained in my comfort zone. While sitting in the morning service of Living Hope Church, Pastor John Bishop spoke about going deeper; deeper in faith, deeper in relationships, deeper in values. Of course, while sitting there with my parents, I felt as though that message was meant for me. It's funny how when a message you really need to hear, makes you feel almost called out! HA-HA! Anyways, from that great sermon, I walked away with a challenge. Rather than be content with just saying I'm a christian, throwing a few verses out every now and then, going to church sporadically...I would dive deep into my faith! 'Give me a diving board because I'm ready to do some Olympic caliber moves back into the pool of grace,' was my mentality. I was READY! As I made my way back home, settled in for the night, turned on Storage Wars, and fired up my laptop...I was thrown a curve ball. It was as through I strolled up to the plate, swinging the bat around, looking at my fans, feeling good, then received a crazy pitch and collected my unexpected strike one! An issue that I thought was put to rest, was brought back up again. A wound in which I never anticipated having to deal with, was opened up a little more. At that moment, I was presented with a choice. I could easily stuff back down that willingness to go deeper in faith, and just maintain the 'I got this on my own' attitude. On the other side of that, I could set aside every 'what if,' every doubt, and every fear and say 'Lord, I don't understand this, I don't know what to do, I don't know how deep this water is, but I know you're with me and that with YOUR strength, I can swim through this successfully.' Seems like an obvious choice right? Yeah, that is until you realize that the second one requires a ton of courage, and frankly, some hard work. There's a saying that states: "All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage."  The youth pastor of LHC spoke yesterday on the topic of going deeper as well. As he explained his new calling to the audience, I was in absolute awe of his courage. As a successful, happy, husband, father, and pastor, he felt as though God was calling him to plant a church in a totally different part of the state. With no building, preexisting congregation, limited contacts, and no house...he and his family drove to the city with their U-haul. As the story unfolded, his extremely bold, extremely courageous faith was clearly exhibited. He accepted the challenge to go deeper in faith. He literally had NOTHING lined up in the new city, yet trusted God with EVERYTHING. God's plan has since unfolded into things far greater than this family could have imagined. While no, this decision I had to make doesn't seem that hard, believe me, with the situation it's in regards to, it was. For me, those 20 seconds in my head required insane courage. At that moment, I decided to go for it. I shifted out of neutral and into drive at full force. I took a step into the deep end of the pool. I trusted the instructor. I trusted the lifeguard. I did it. This, for me, was the biggest turning point I've had in the recent months. I know that just as the fire of a new believer burns hot, then tends to fizzle out...my new found flames could do the same. When the deep part of the pool seems like too much, and I feel as though I'm drowning, I will remember one thing: MY lifeguard walks on water!

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” ^{Matthew 14:25-26}

What's God doing?

"What's God doing?" This is a question that many of us ask ourselves from time to time. Whether we'll admit to it, deny it, or even subconsciously think it, it's crossed our minds. During the rough patches of our lives, it's easy to ask questions like this. "Why, God?" "Why are you allowing this to happen?" "Where are you?" "Are you even listening to me?" As much as I would love to say I've maintained a faithful attitude 100% of the time, I've asked myself these questions before. Sometimes, life just doesn't seem fair. Bad things happen to good people, lives of amazing elders are taken, and pain inflicts itself upon the strongest of men. At times, we (including myself) are pushed to a limit, where we cry out, "Are you even here God?" This is a dangerous place to be, however. Recently it seems like terrible things have happened to wonderful people. From death and car accidents, to financial strain and job losses...the question of why does God allow this to happen, always arises. They say when it rains, it pours, and and I know for me, that's the way it's been. One thing after another, week after week...negativity has really gotten to me. I've found myself asking for just one break, one week without troubles, one stretch of time when I could be at peace. You see, we are all looking for peace, it's just something we crave. Whether it be peace in relationships, peace with a recent loss, or peace with ourselves. This crazy, broken world however, can't give that to us. We search and search for it via money, perfect looks, or possessions. Let me ask you something, how has that worked out for you? I can tell you how it's gone for me; I've come back empty handed, absolutely zip, nada. I figured that if I only had this amount of money, weighed this much, drove that car, or had the perfect relationship, that dealing with my life problems would be easy as 1-2-3. Well, LOL at me for thinking such nonsense. Sheila Walsh said "Peace is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ." Living on this Earth will always give us trouble, that's just fact of inhabiting a fallen world. Living with Christ on the other hand, will always offer us peace. Our God isn't one to force anything upon on, we have free will to believe what we want. He is however, always there for us, waiting with his out-stretched arm. He offers us the greatest of gifts: unconditional love, total peace, and great comfort. Always. Just this week, I attended a memorial service for my boyfriend's grandpa. It was absolutely amazing to see his friends and relatives demonstrate an attitude of hope and also peace. While yes, tears were shed and sadness was felt, the assurance of him being in heaven now, overwhelmed that. In the eyes of his wife, you could see peacefulness, knowing that her husband is waiting for her, in renewed health, with Jesus. Just a week prior, I was watching some ridiculous late night show. A young lady was talking about how she had lost her dad and that the fact that she would never see him again was really hard for her to deal with. The sadness and despair in her demeanor was heartbreaking. This my friends is a real life example of the quote mentioned above. In both these situations, a life was lost. In both these situations, sadness was felt. In both these situations, tears flowed. The difference however? Christ, C-H-R-I-S-T. It's not that we won't encounter troubles, it's just who we turn to in the midst of them. No God, no peace----> KNOW God, KNOW peace. It's that simple. God is always here, even when he seems silent. My man Garth Brooks sings 'Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs, that just he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care, some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.' The Lord will never leave you, never forsake you, that's a guaranteed promise. It may seem like the struggles of life are piling up and that He just doesn't care, however, that is the never, ever the case. Sure, you may get stressed, and sure, some things may be painful...but be be ASSURED he is right there beside you, guiding your life in the direction of his perfect will.

My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need. James :2-4

I'm an honest sinner.

I've been thinking a lot lately, which usually is dangerous because I tend to over think! Anyways, what I've been thinking about are some simple truths. 1) We all sin. 2) Why are there so many judgmental people? and 3) Since when is it ok for the church to live in such hypocrisy. These are all factors that have been weighing on my mind. As I was scrolling through my Pinterest page, I once again found a little saying that absolutely struck me. Written on a white poster in red, block font, the saying went like this "In life, I rather be known as an honest sinner, than a lying hypocrite." To be honest, I immediately took a semi-defensive stand and muttered under my breath "oh, how stupid is that." I read it again, but this time, my attitude was different. How true is this little sentence, I thought to myself! Honest sinner vs. Lying hypocrite...there's a big fight between those two. Looking back, I let the lying hypocrite win in my life for a long time. Instead of sympathizing, admitting, and learning from my sins, I would act as though I hadn't committed any. In all reality, I was a "goody-goody" who tirelessly tried to maintain an image of perfection. In my reflection upon my prior mentality in all this, I realized that I missed a lot of opportunities to connect with peers, both in and out of the church. Instead of sharing my own struggle with various sins, and thus creating a trusting bond, I chose to display a "do no wrong" attitude and act as though I was a step higher. Now, this was not intentional by any means. In my head, being that perfect Christian was the way to show the church. This was my first mistake. We are called to show God's love and mercy, not the perfection, wealth, or goodness of our given church. I love my church no doubt, and there's HUGE value in being part of it, but what has even more value is my relationship with Christ. What do I say over and over again? It's a relationship, NOT a religion. It's us coming to the Lord, confessing our sins, giving our lives to him, and letting his great works do his will in us. On the same note as the goody two shoes act, I had a tendency to judge. Now, this is human nature, and I don't care who you are, you've done it. As I was trying to show perfection in the church and my own actions, I inadvertently looked down on those who were stumbling (in the exact same ways I refused to admit myself, I might add.) Let's say a friend went to a party Saturday night, got drunk, then showed up to church the next morning. My mentality, in addition to many of those in the church, was to think who does she think she is, walking in here after a night like that, acting all good? Ok, so maybe she seemed to portray an attitude of she's totally fine, and hadn't had a rough night....but what if on the inside she was hurting, longing, and looking for the outstretched arm of another believer who could understand the mistakes she made. Not someone to judge her, someone to tell her all the wrong she had done, but rather someone who could share the message of God's love, mercy, and grace to her. This is where we have to let the honest sinner role win. Taking a moment to step down from our all high and mighty, power Christian role, and just sympathize and share the message of hope is the best bet. We have no room to judge. That IS a fact. Just because someone sins in a different way than you, doesn't make you any better, or them any worse. This is something that I've struggled with. In high school, I could say well she acts like a whore, and I don't so, obviously I'm a step ahead. In reality, however, my judgmental actions are a sin in their own right. In God's eyes, a sin is a sin. He's there to forgive us. I mean, after all, he sent his son to die on a cross for us! Proverbs 28:13 says 'People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.' That pretty much sums up what I'm getting at. Hiding our faults and portraying perfection gets us no where. Confessing our sins, learning from them, and then changing our ways will as a result, change our lives. Everyday I struggle with sin. From decisions I make to the words I speak, it's a battle. The fact of the matter is that I will fall short sometimes, but that is where God's mercy comes in. Perfection is something we can not achieve, for reals y'all. Romans 3:23 states that everyone has sinned and fallen short of the glory. Hiding behind a facade of the 'ideal' Christian is a lost cause. Living in the right ways, doing the best you can, loving the Lord above all else, and sharing the Gospel however, is a great idea. I rather have people know every mistake I've made and see God's love and mercy through those experiences, rather than acting like I don't make those mistakes and putting myself above others, like I'm so much better. Merriam Webster defines a hypocrite as a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue of religion; a person who acts in contradiction to his or her beliefs. This certainly doesn't sound like someone I want to be, someone I want to know, or someone who can reach out to those who have yet to come to Christ. I'll admit it, I struggle with practicing what I preach on the daily. It's easy to say "hey, don't use cuss words, it's sin," yet turn around and yell d***i* when I spill a pan of horse feed. It's easy to say drinking in excess is wrong, yet justify it when you're at a party. Everyday I wake up, thank the Lord for all I have been blessed with, and carry on with normal activities. Everyday I work at one area of sin I've been struggling with. Everyday I fail in another aspect of sin as well. This world we live in is a fallen one, desperate for God's love to be spread. Acting better than the tweakers who are battling terrible addictions, or more holy than those who are in broken families struggling to get by, will get us no where, friends. Sunday morning game faces, portraying we all have the perfect little lives only breed resentment. People outside the church see these ridiculous acts as well...ridiculous. Hypocrisy isn't welcoming anyone inside the doors of the morning service, but genuine love and the desire to reach out is. Brothers and sisters, we are loved more than we'll ever know, by someone who died to know us....(this stemming from Romans 5:8: But God demonstrates his own love for us in this, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.) If Christ died for US, while we were lowly sinners, then why can't WE show love to those who are dealing with the same sins? The answer is we can. The sound being an honest sinner sounds a bit extreme, but hey, that's who I am. I have sinned, I have been forgiven. There is no condemnation! The real you is the best you. God made you, he loves you, and has a plan for everything that happens in your life. Let his overflowing mercy change you, then go out and share it, then let it change someone else's life. I'm an honest sinner, and I praise the Lord for that.

All of me.

For the longest time, I've tried writing a new post, but for the longest time, I've come up blank. Whenever I write, it's typically based on something recent, and I typically type it up late at night. Well, it's just about 10pm and what do you know, a a couple little lyrics have caught my attention. I've been hearing the song 'All of Me' by Matt Hammitt on KLove radio recently. At first, I kinda just shrugged it off and thought to myself, oh brother, it's just another whiny toned, Christian song that is going to be over played. After hearing it a half-dozen times or so, I looked up the lyrics because they had really caught my attention. In the chorus, he sings, "You're gonna have all of me, cause you're worth every falling tear, you're worth facing every fear, you're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough, enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me is where I'll start." On top of being catchy, those are some SUPER powerful words. I've had a rough time recently, just getting bogged down in the troubles of this world has really taken it's toll. I've been struggling with fighting my own perfectionism tendencies, struggling within personal relationships, and struggling with hurts from the past year that keep trying to get me down. I'll admit it, I've also ebbed and flowed in the strength of my faith. With everything going on, all of the stress of everyday life, I had gotten caught up in me and my issues. While yes, I have been raised in such a way that thinking God is always there for me is normal, I haven't necessarily been acting on it. Doing things my way has been my strategy the last few months. In my mind, I could give God a little bit of my life, a little bit of my time, a little bit of my trust, and I could handle the rest. Pretty stupid huh? Well, that's obviously the reason why resolving issues hasn't happened. Now listen, I'm all about being real, and this here it is; as some of you know, always being labeled as that "Christian" the one who goes to church, the one who has it all together, can get tiring. This is what had happened to me. I was acting out all the right things, but in my heart, it was a whole other story. I couldn't possibly risk seeming weak and admit that I was struggling. Instead, what I did was put on an act. Instead of getting right with God myself, I felt like I could just put my relationship on the back burner and  just help others with their's. Clearly I was avoiding my issues. Now, I'm not saying that I just ran away from God and said forget it, what I am saying is that I was only giving about 50%. This is why this song stuck out to me. For my whole life, I've battled the idea of being perfect. Even though I know perfection can't be achieved in this world, I still have always tried. Whether it be waking up in the morning and looking in the mirror, or getting an A- instead of a solid A, I have always seen my faults. With this being said, I applied the same mentality to my faith. I figured that because I've been the one to typically have it altogether in this regard, I could not come to God all broken down, and hurt. Again, absolutely stupid huh? I told myself, how about you get all your stuff in check first Kaelee, then get strong in faith. This is where the tables turned. I put my worldly problems before my faith, instead of putting faith first and letting God take care of them for me. He is there for us always, but especially when we're down in the mouth. I'm not quite sure why I let this fact get clouded up in my head, but hearing this song made me take a step back and realize just how ridiculous I was being. God doesn't ask for the perfect person, nor does he turn away people who are hurt. It's quite the opposite. When you come to God and cast all your anxieties on Him, the opportunity for great miracles arises. Jesus walked with the lepers, reached out to the low life tax collectors, and took time for children. He didn't look for the most wealthy, the best looking, or the ones who had it all together. He fills the gaps that this world leaves in our lives. I was trying to do that myself, then come to Him with a 'look how good I'm doing' attitude. Instead, he did a work in me and now I've come to him with a 'look how much good you're doing in my life' attitude. In the song mentioned above, he sings about how giving it all to God is worth every tear and worth facing every fear. This was huge to me. I was so scared to admit that I didn't have it all together, and that I was struggling with some TOUGH things. Feeling vulnerable just isn't my thing, so finally giving my problems to the Lord and trusting him completely has been quite the task. Every tear I've cried while in bed in the privacy of my room has been felt by my God. Before, those tears were just tears. Now I realize fully that I will have problems and I will have tears, the difference being I can trust God 100% that He has my back and will comfort me. The lyrics of the song also say you're going to have all my love, even if it's not enough. Well golly, isn't that just perfect for my dumb thinking lately? My love will never be perfect, and it's a lost cause trying to achieve that. However, you can bet your boots that all my love will be given to my God, all my flawed love is His. In those flaws is where the Lord's mighty work will be seen. So, like Matt Hammitt sings, giving You all of me is where I'll start. I'm not perfect, my faith isn't perfect, but my God is. In my weakness is where his perfect love will show. In my pain, his comfort will be evident. In my struggles, his strength will be boldly displayed. Even when I fail, which will happen on the daily, I have given ALL of me to the Lord. I'm an imperfect person loved by a perfect God, and that's something to wake up thankful for every single day.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power in made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9


To God be all the glory!

Even tough for a tough girl? Let go, let God.

So are y'all ready for story time? I need a little space to vent and also to showcase yet again, just how amazing our God is! If any of you have read my last posting, you know I was met with a strange and not mention difficult  situation. I wrote about the fears that come along with being attacked. The fears I expressed were all as a result of an attack where, in my mind, sexual actions were being pursued. I had a sense that my attacker was after that sort of thing, but secretly hoped I was off base. Anyways, I soon realized that my God is BIGGER than any fear associated with that type of thing. I decided to put all my trust into Him, which is always the best idea by the way. After a week or so of getting this seemingly minor altercation out of my head, my faith was tested yet again. As I drove down a parallel street to my apartment, headed to the tanning salon, something caught my attention. No, it wasn't the lake nor the sunshine. It wasn't the thought of my unexpectedly great midterm grade nor the music bumpin' in my truck. What was it then? Shoes; a black pair of Nike's with red laces. A normal looking pair, probably manufactured by the millions. Something many men sport on the daily. So what was so special about these? Well, they were being worn by my attacker. Never in my life had I been so sure of something. I turned that corner, glanced over to the lake, noticed the unmistakable gait of this man, his shoes, and his build. It was the dude. As I debated what to do, I pulled over and parked my truck. I watched him for a minute as I decided what steps to take next. He was strolling about the lake, nonchalantly, soaking up the sun. I got out of my truck and started to walk to the front of it. Honestly, I was ready to fight. Reason kicked in and I told myself that engaging was a bad idea and that I needed to get back in, lucky for him. As I picked up my phone and dialed my dad, the unexpected happened. Now, I say unexpected loosely because I completely expected this to happen, just never for me to witness it. A young, tan, fit girl jogged passed this guy. She was running at a similar clip as I was the previous week. As she went by, he turned and ran after her. The uncoordinated, ridiculous sprint he was executing was the exact one he had done to me. There was a crowd of people and she was running a bit too fast, thus causing him to give up that pursuit. He turned back to his original direction, reached his hand into his pants, and messed with his jock area. I was disgusted. I could not believe what I had/was witnessing. At this point, I went all Law and Order on him and was ready for game on. He crossed the same bridge to where he had met me the week before and headed around the lake once again. I had decided to call 911 to report this incident and was describing his whereabouts as I stalked him on the street. He went below the overhead bridge and disappeared into a series of shrubs. I agreed I would wait at my location and talk to a responding officer. As I sat in my truck, I looked over to my left and what do you know, that idiot was now walking down that sidewalk. As about as perfectly timed as could be, a black and white two toned patrol car did a u-turn and impeded the subjects course of travel. Now, long story short, I gave a written description of my attack again and what I had seen a few moments earlier. It was explained to me that he has a history of these sorts of crimes and is familiar with the system. I felt SO relived that this son of a biscuit was finally apprehended and that a few of my fears (yeah, you know they still TRY to linger with me) could be put to rest.

Seems like a win-win situation doesn't it? Faith didn't seem to be tested too badly, the act of beating the crap out of him maybe, but faith, nah, everything seems fine right? Well, there's a few parts I failed to mention. Remember before where I said I sensed he was after a sexual act in the course of my attack? I've been hoping all along that that fact would neither be confirmed nor even addressed. The time to face my fear happened in an instant. The officer who had been talking to the guy for upwards of 30 minutes, walked over to me and slowly explained what was going on. He looked at me with a startled, almost alarmed face and said, now I just want you to know, he admitted to what he wanted with you when he attacked. Without details, he basically said he wanted to push me down and get on top of me. Even typing this now is a task to be reckoned with. Nonetheless, ALL my suspicions, worst nightmares, whatever you want to call them, were confirmed. What I wish I could have just passed off as a random mugging was now confirmed as a strategic, attempted sexual assault. This subject has a past record of this sort of crime and for him, I was just another victim. Now, I feel extremely blessed that he did NOT successfully complete what he was trying for, so don't be thinking I've let that fact slip by. What I am saying is that after last weeks post of being a big bad tough girl, who yeah, acknowledges that fear does attack even the strong, I was faced head on. The fear of last week is nothing compared to that of today. This really rocked my world. I thought I had a complete handle on this, and that it was an event of the past. Now I'm seeing my worst case scenario idea and the real threat of sexual assault unfold in front of my eyes? Dang, it's a tough place to be. For those of you who know me, y'all know I don't like crying, nor showing weakness in general...(a weakness in itself ha). But today, after giving a very surgical description of the attack, I broke down. I sat in my truck and just plain cried. I cried more today than I have in the past 4 months combined. It was a strange feeling. I felt like every ounce of that tough girl mentality was slipping away, and I was falling into a victim role, one in which I was not comfortable with. As I collected myself, went up to my room, and cracked open a Pepsi...I faced my reality. I was attacked, yes. It was out of sexual desire and deviance, yes. He wanted to rape me, yes. I thought to myself, WOW, I'm at a loss for words. It was then when I faced reality again. I'm not hurt, true. There's no physical harm to speak of, true. I defeated his pathetic attempt, oh heck yeah. I faced a few more realities real quickly after these. I serve a God who protected me from a despicable act, yes. My God is stronger than ANYTHING this world can throw at me, of course. Any fear, pain, or worries can be given to God, mhmm. I can find complete healing and rest in Him, YES MA'AM! Yet again , WOW! Psalm 118:6 says 'The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?' It never ceases to amaze me what verses basically highlight themselves at the perfect times, this being no exception. Three key pieces to that scripture. (1) The Lord is with me. He is always by my side, he never leaves me, nor forsakes me. He's my right, even left, hand man at all times. (2) I will have no fear. Wait, what's fear? If the creator of the universe is always on my six, always has my back, and is always leading me in the right direction, then why in the world would I even bother with fear?! Honestly, the more I realize it, the more I see it's just a monumental waste of my time to worry. (3) What can mere man do to me? Mere is the keyword there. Man, meaning all humans in this case, are weak compared to the almighty power of God. I could get my teeth knocked out, right eye blackened, and be gimping around, but that's not match to the power of my Lord and Savior. Sorry guys, your biceps will never be close to the strength that God demonstrates.

I'm going to end this with my favorite verse. SHE IS CLOTHED IN STRENGTH AND DIGNITY, AND SHE LAUGHS WITHOUT FEAR OF THE FUTURE. Proverbs 31:25. I could go buy a $10,000 Pnina Tornai gown, but it wouldn't compare to the strength from which God gives me, that adorns me everywhere I go. I know that I will have tough things like this happen for the rest of my life, but I can be joyful in hope of the future, and not worry about a thing. I can't express what God has worked in me through this, but I can however speak of the greatest source of power than anyone can ever have. Now more than ever I can say to God be ALL the glory in FULL confidence.

 

Fear? Nah, I choose faith.

Once again, recent events and a particularly inspiring quote have prompted this post. First off, I've had a rough couple of days. Not only with the incident, but just with life in general. What incident you may ask? Well, it started Sunday afternoon. I decided to go for a run around the lovely lake, which is right down the street from my apartment. I figured my homework could wait and my buns would benefit from a little toning up. I parked my truck, turned on my music, and embarked on a little jog. Things were wonderful; a nice day (meaning no rain by western Washington standards), a beautiful view of the lake, and the panting of a good workout. As I turned the corner to head back towards my truck, I was quite ready to be done. I realized I was a wee bit more out of shape than originally projected! HA! Nonetheless, I decided to push on. As I approached the cross walk, I looked to my left and made eye contact with a fellow runner. Not too out of the ordinary I thought to myself. As he was b-lining it to the sidewalk, we met exactly at the same time. I pressed the cross button and waited. Of course I took that opportunity to check Facebook, why put those brief seconds to waste right? Well anyway, the light changed, the walk signal turned on, my phone was put back into my sports bra, and I picked up a jog once again. As I continued on, I noticed out of my peripheral vision the same man starting a seemingly uncoordinated sprint. We almost collided and I looked over my right shoulder to apologize for getting in his way. He was obviously pretty into this workout business, or so I thought. After a few more backward glimpses of awkward eye contact, I started to get a weird feeling. This guy was up to something. Immediately after my red flag was thrown up, he came right beside me and asked if he could talk to me. I thought to myself oh heeecck no you freak, but instead responded with a "no, sorry man." He was persistent and asked again. At this point I was getting a little pissed off. While running beside me, I told him once again, "nahhh sorry brah, I don't want to talk." For whatever I encompassed the vocabulary of a dude as I responded back to this guy, haha. Anyways, he then proceeded to ask me what my name was. I really felt weird then! I told him "don't worry about it, you don't need to know about that." I was pretty well frustrated at this random guy and decided jogging away from him was my best bet. As I picked up the pace, so did he. He then reached out with both hands, one at my neck, the other at my long brown pony-tail. Without hesitation, I drew back and punched him in the face...a reflex I didn't know I had. There were some very choice words flying at that point. I was yelling at him to get the beepedy-beep-beeeeep-beep away from me. He started to walk away from me and then pitbull mode turned on. I told him to not walk that a** away from me, but to run you (insert poor language here.) Now I know this sort of language is not necessarily good, but in this situation I consider it completely appropriate. He veered to my left and jogged off through a playground packed with kids. I was pretty shocked at what had just happened so randomly in broad daylight. Again, out of instinct, I called my dad. He was very worried and told me to report this to 911. Long story short, I called, they responded, I gave a statement, they sent multiple units out looking for him. I was completely fine, no physical harm to speak of, I was more concerned about his exit strategy through the crowd of children. If he had the guts to attack a close to 6' tall woman in the daylight, what would stop him from snatching up a 4 year old girl. In the end, I was pretty shook up by this and my dad came to my place to get me.

Now, I want to reference the quote that has helped me out this week. I found this on Pinterest of course, and it reads " Faith and fear cannot exist in the same place at the same time." For anyone who knows me, I pride myself on being tough. I portray it in my actions, exhibit it in my behavior, and have blogged about it in the past. I have a legitimate phobia of showing weakness, of being a pansy. Without going into detail, I have had experience with this sort of crime before. I know the ins and outs of this type of thing. For me, being attacked rocked my world. Although I would be considered the winner if this was a tap-out match, emotions were triggered. I thought to myself, why am I a target?! I am a 5'10" ready to fight, put of your dukes, lights out kind of girl. Where was my weakness exposed in any of that? For the first time in a long time I felt weak. I felt helpless. I felt like I was just acting out the role of being the tough on. I always say cowgirls don't cry, so the feeling of tears welling up in my eyes just wasn't ok for me. While yes, I really am tougher than a lot of girls, I comlptely misconstrued that with showing zero emotion. For these last couple days, I've been acting like nothing has affected me. You can bet your boots I would knock that guy's lights out right freakin' now, but that doesn't mean that when the adrenaline level is down and I'm alone at night, fear doesn't set in. Every time I've gone to the store, walked to class, or left apartment, I have been looking over my shoulder. Part of me says come at me bro, let's fight! But the other says are other men looking at me as a target, what if there's someone I couldn't take and win? These thoughts have really clouded my mind. I was so thankful that after the attack, things weren't worse than they were. It seems pretty harmless because I didn't get really physically hurt, I wasn't black an blue and laid up in the hospital. My weekend concert plans were still on! The Lord had my back for sure! Again however, these doesn't take away doubts. I don't express fear. It's a sign of weakness to me and I just don't let that happen. This is why this week has been hard. I have been so scared! See there? That was my mistake. Here I was thanking the Lord that things didn't escalate between that John Doe and I, yet I was letting fear creep in and take over. The quote I am basing this on sums it all up. How can you have faith and fear at the same time? Faith doesn't make things easy, however it does make all things possible. I may struggle with the feeling of being targeted, but with my faith put completely in God, I can lay those to rest and find total peace in him. My tough girl mentality cannot be based on my physical strength nor my own personal will...true power comes from above. I really can do ALL things through CHRIST who STRENGTHENS me, the vital part of that being through Christ. Without him, I can't face these battles. With him, I have a guaranteed victory! Fear takes way too much out of someone, and frankly, school work does that enough, I don't have time. There's not many issues in life that come with a simple answer, but luckily for me, this in one. My FAITH is in God. My HOPE is in God. He LOVES me unconditionally. Faith, hope, love. It's that simple. From here on out, as soon as fear rears it's ugly head, I will stand confidentially and know I am armed with the greatest weapon, faith.

God Bless.

Halfway to Heaven

One of my favorite country artists sings a song called 'Halfway to Heaven.' In it, he recaps a near death experience as a result of drinking and driving. The chorus sings "when you see life flash before your eyes, the good, the bad, the wrong, the right, fade into a bright white light, shining down on you, you're hangin' on by a thread, wondering which ones your last breath, knowing there's so much you have left to do, you live your life a better man, when you've been halfway to heaven." Now, I can't attest to ever being in a near fatal car accident like Brantley Gilbert, but I do share the same sort of experience as he does. I don't really talk about this incident too much, and I'm not sure even my close friends know, but looking back onto this night after listening to this song, really sparked something in me. Last winter I faced a multitude of health problems. Hospitalizations, wheelchairs, missing school...all that pales in comparison to this particular night, however. I had been having anaphilactic reactions to various foods and products. Pretty much everything ingested caused a serious reaction. On this November evening, I had just eaten one of the foods on the safe list, and was ready to head to bed. As I prepared to jump between the sheets, I felt my lips start tingling, a sure sign of a reaction. I felt "egg-funny" a term I coined as a child to express when I was having an episode. As these typical reactions go, it progressed to my tongue, then to my throat. I felt the severity of it and immediately look Benedryl...then followed up with my Epi-pen as the reaction had no sign of stopping. As it is custom, we had to go to the ER. At this point, my throat was beginning to constrict and breathing began to feel labored. I got into my mom's little gray Scion and she sped down the driveway. About a mile and a half into out trip, things took a turn for the worse. During these types of reactions, symptoms develop at rapid paces and minutes can make the difference. I remember my breathing feeling impossible. I was leaning against the car door, gasping for air. My mom was squeezing my hand saying hang in there Kaelee, hang in there. I heard her begin to pray aloud, asking the Lord to touch me. This whole ordeal became surreal. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it. I felt my throat closing completely, and air slipping away, one labored breath at a time. Now, I never knew what a true near death experience felt like..but let me tell you, it's crazy. I felt almost as though I was weightless. I remember my eyes closing, drifting off into unconscious state. I only remember glimpses of the drive from there to the meeting place of the ambulance. I had an overwhelming sense of peace, one in which has never been felt before. My life was coming to an end. This is a unbelievably strange feeling. I was fading away little by little. I felt as though I wasn't even in the car. I can't even explain it more than that. My mom was trying to talk to me, trying to get me to hang in there, but I can only recall brief moments of her audible voice. Like I said above, I felt at peace. I felt as though I was completely surrendered to the Lord. I was truly fading into the bright white light, not knowing which of these shallow breaths was my last.

Now, clearly I am still alive kicking...but that's only by God's great power. During that whole car ride from hell, my mom was praying like crazy! Before I lost the memory of some of that night, I remember my mother praying like the warrior in faith she is. Bless her heart, bless her faith, bless her hope in the power of Jesus Christ. I don't know if she, even to this day, realizes just what was happening in that car. Nonetheless, she never gave up! She held my hand, squeezing it, telling me to hang on, crying out to the Lord to save me. It's so awesome to know we serve that strong of a God. From a life slowly slipping away, to being brought back to consciousness, to being full of life today...everything is possible with him. The reason why I recalled this otherwise hard to talk about experience, is because that country song. It says you live your life a better man when you've been halfway to Heaven. I started thinking, why am I not doing that?! I have been halfway to Heaven and only by God's grace am I still here. Why am I not loving unconditionally? Why am I not reaching out to those less fortunate? Why am I not being as bold in faith as I could be? Why do I get caught up in material things? Why am I not out there living this crazy life to the fullest? After that night, I gained a clear understanding of just how precious life is, how it can be taken just like that. None of us know when our last day will be or even when our Savior will return to this Earth. All we know is that we have been blessed to live an incredible life, that we are called to witness to the lost, that we serve an almighty God. By God's grace we are saved. He died on that cross just to give us life. It's our duty to live for him. From selfless acts of kindness, to taking brave stands in faith, why not do it? There's nothing holding us back! Sometimes this world gets in the way, well actually a lot of the time it does. We need to be consumed with the Creator of everything, not just what is created. There's no set time of how long you and I will be here. Life is fragile. As saved believers, we have no fear in death, so I speak for a lot of us when I say whenever and however the Lord calls me home...I'm good with it. After being halfway to heaven, I realize that I oughta be living with no reservations, no fears, no doubts. From here on out, I'm making a vow to myself. I'm going to try darnedest to take advantage of every opportunity to help others, every chance to show kindness, and most importantly share the hope, love, and power of Jesus Christ with those who have yet to hear his name.

Hey Obama, this is the real kind of HOPE...

Any one who knows me at least a little, knows that I'm a realist. I'm not negative by any means, I just base everything on facts and common sense. For me, it's easy to look around at everything going on in this world and lose all faith in people. There's suicide bombers killing hundreds of military personnel and civilians, shameless rapers hurting countless women, reckless parents neglecting innocent children...bottom line, there's a lot of evil in our world, my friends. In all honesty, when I go out grocery shopping, my thoughts towards people are more of skepticism like 'gosh, you idiot, why do you have to be so irritating'...rather than of hope like 'that person is probably very nice and just under a lot of stress, just like me.' That being said, I had lost a certain degree of trust in humanity. Now, I know I serve an all powerful God who can change people, but I still let that small amount of pessimism and skepticism sneak into my mind. That stopped me from finding the good in people.

I'm going to switch gears and tell y'all about something that changed my way of thinking as stated above. Recently, I attended the memorial service of slain Washington State Patrol Trooper, Tony Radulescu. He was on a routine traffic stop and was shot in cold blood, thus resulting in his death. He was the type of guy that had a hugely positive outlook on life and was dedicated to protect and serve his community. Those negative thoughts crept into my mind as soon as I heard the tragic news. How could an outstanding human being like that be gunned down for NO reason? How could a couple drugged out pieces of crap be able to carry out such a despicable act? That is still a a mystery to me, however, my thoughts quickly changed as I saw the out pour of support, love, and hope from all walks of life. On that early Thursday morning, I got into my dad's patrol car along with a few other sheriff personnel. We drove to the meeting place to start the processional. We were right on time and as we arrived we were met with hundreds of patrol cars already lined up. As we pulled into our line, I looked around and saw deputies from numerous agencies. From way up north, to way down south, from rural areas and from large metropolitan ones...ALL these units were there to show support of one slain officer. These people, including our car full, had never even met Tony, yet were willing to give up valuable time to offer their respects for his tremendous service. The procession started a few hours later and about 1500 patrol cars took to the roads. One by one, cars and SUV's lit up like Christmas tress, paraded down the highway. From the beginning of the seven or so mile trip, people gathered on the sides of the road. Military personnel stood at attention, civilians crossed their hearts standing on sidewalks, and busy commuters paused their daily drives. As we traveled north on the closed off road, the southbound lane was filled with cars. That's normal right? What's not normal to see, especially in my realist mindset towards humanity, is to see people pulled off the road, just to salute the procession of a murdered officer. From soccer moms to truck drivers, business men to Fed-Ex workers, cars were pulled off on both sides of the road. People stood at attention for upwards of an hour, showcasing their respect and honor of Trooper Tony. Each overpass was crowned with emergency personnel, standing on firetrucks, waving flags. As we passed another small group of people who had paused their drive, a particular car caught my attention. It was an old, beat up, Buick, nothing special. What was special was the markings of Marine service on the back bumper. Outside that car stood a man, who at first glance looked down on his luck. No nice clothes, a rugged look, and a spirit of honor was all he had. He was standing tall beside his beat down car, American flag flying proudly in one hand, while the other saluted for the entire procession. This man probably never met Trooper Tony, but had enough respect for his service that he was willing to offer his time to proudly broadcast it. As this two hour procession wrapped up, we arrived at the center where the memorial was being held. It was filled with policemen and woman, their families, and community members. Rigorous tradition was followed for the service, tradition deep rooted in the the pride of WSP. People spoke, bagpipes were played, and tears shed. One particular speaker stood out to me however. Trooper Tony's best friend, a Romanian with a heavy accent, came up to the mic. With his sometimes hard to understand English, he spoke highly of Tony's character. He was "A trooper's trooper." He was a selfless man dedicated to protecting. As the speech was winding down, the man changed directions and spoke about not only his faith, but Tony's as well. Tony was saved a few years back and loved the Lord with all he had, stated the friend. As he continued with the kind words, he proudly told the audience Tony would want each and everyone of us to find the peace, love, and joy of Jesus Christ. Tony is now in heaven, living eternally, and the message of hope could not have been stated more clearly. Here was a man who had just lost his best friend, yet by the grace of God, had the strength to witness to the 2-3000 men and women within the auditorium.

The title of this post is 'Hey Obama, this is the real kind of HOPE,' and that's the pure, realist truth. It's not about the next big politician offering to swoop in to be our savior...we already a Savior far greater than anything this world can match. Real hope is found in men and women risking their lives daily whether it be military, fire, EMS, or police. Real hope is found in selfless individuals who hold honor and respect within their hearts. Real hope is found in those not ashamed to be bold in faith. These individuals, in teamwork with the Lord, put the faith into people. I was shown that day that not everyone is evil, that there are still good people in this world. My hope in people was re-found. Things look dim out there, yes. But we serve a God who has saved people dong his work, everyday changing some aspect of this fallen world. I realize that one police memorial and the out cry of support isn't going to change the whole world, but I can guarantee it changed more than just me that day. Maybe others who had lost hope in people had their eyes opened, or maybe someone struggling with this great loss felt the peace and joy of Jesus Christ for the first time. Needless to say,   brothers and sisters in Christ, let's hold fast to the hope God gives. Let's make it our mission to change this world, one small selfless act at a time. Proverbs 24:20 says for the evil of man has no future; the lamp of the wicked will be put out. This world is a sad place, but we know that we serve a greater God. Criminals and wrong-doers watch out, the men and women of law enforcement are on your six. God bless them and keep them.

It's gotta be more like..

Falling in love...something that happens every day in our world. Whether it be a woman falling in love with a man, or a daddy falling in love with his newborn daughter, it's a beautiful thing. Now I'd like to say that I've been in love many times. As a baby I fell in love with my dad, as a little girl with my first pony, and as a young woman with a boy. Each one of these loves has come with different types of feelings, benefits, and hurts. With my daddy, it's been feelings of admiration, security, and comfort. I've reaped benefits from the protection he has for me, but also experienced hurts from arguments or disagreements. With my pony, my feelings were more of trust and companionship. My Star was there to listen whenever I had a childhood problem, however that didn't stop him from hurting me by throwing me out of that saddle. As far as being in love with a boy, I had strong feelings of genuine love and passion. Being able to count on a significant other and have love shown to you on a regular basis is a wonderful thing. Hurts that come along with a love that ends however, are greater than measure. Now, in each of the given situations, I had ups and downs. It'd sure be nice to put all the awesome characteristics of these varying types of love together to create the ultimate love affair. Some of my greatest moments have been spent with my dad, pony, and boyfriends ...but I've also felt the greatest hurt with them as well. A girl just wants to feel safe, desired, treasured, appreciated, and loved. As I stated above, it would be so ideal to combine these types of worldly relationships, thus giving me the perfect one. Well, want to know a bit of good news, there's already that type of relationship out there, one that's better than anything this society can offer. Who's the lucky guy? Oh, just Jesus, you know, the Lord and Savior one. His love for each and every one of us is immeasurable. The safety and comfort that comes from being in a relationship with him is far superior to that of any man. I can make mistakes day after day, commit the worst sins, treat him as a low priority...his love never changes for me. He doesn't hold anything against me, doesn't bring up my past, doesn't lose hope for our future. I'm desired by him, the King. I am a treasure in his eyes no matter what outfit I'm wearing. If I get off track, lose my way, and forget to talk to him for a few days, I can call on him and pick right back up where I left off. He's always there for me. I fail daily, in all aspects of life. I can't even brag about my love for him cause that fails daily as well, however, I can brag about his love for me, cause it never fails. No matter what I'm facing, he'll hold my hand through it and is guaranteed to deliver me from it...according to his higher plan that is. There's no stronger love than that between God and his child. That's a fact. There's a Christian song sung by Jason Gray that says it all. He sings: 'It's gotta be more like falling in love, than something to believe in, more like losing my heart, than giving my allegiance.' To say you believe in God is one thing, to fall in love with his great presence, grace, and power is another. To simply state you're a follower and live according to 'Christian rules' doesn't do much, however giving your whole heart to the one who created it is a life-changer. Later in the song, it says 'Falling in love with Jesus made the change in me.' Personally, I say that calls for an AMEN! I can testify to that 100%, based on recent events even. Sure, I've held a degree of love for God my whole life, but it hasn't been until recently that I've taken the plunge, and fallen whole heatedly. There's been a marked difference in every aspect of my life since that day. I gave up trying to do things on my terms, and gave every bit of my heart to the Lord. From there, he changed everything. Feelings I thought could never be greater, suddenly became 10 times better. Fears I had about relationships were gone. The types of guys that I should be interested in were finally becoming evident. Falling in love with Jesus truly did make the change in me, and I look forward to that making a change in all my relationships from here on out. Any guy that comes along to steal that part of my heart and sweep me off my feet, will know that he's sharing it with the Lord. There's many types of love out there, and until I know the man that will fulfill the boyfriend-fiance-husband role, I'm grateful for the ULTIMATE love that my Lord and Savior gives me. 

Desired by the King

'Never let a man tell you you're not worth pursuing. For God became man, died & rose again just to pursue you. You are worth pursuing. You are beautiful. You are loved.'

This little phrase, in which I found on Pinterest, has really got me thinking lately. I've been thinking about guys, life, love, and relationships. I've been rollin' single for a few months now during which time I've learned a lot. In addition to learning more about myself, I have learned about the opposite sex. After being in a relationship for over a year, and close to a year before that one, I was not used to all the interest from guys. Now, I'm not saying I am the most attractive, cool, and desirable girl, but I have gained the attention of quite a few young men. By no means am I trying to sound conceited here, just talking about what life has thrown at me. I am definitely a fan of being in a relationship don't get me wrong, however being sought after by guys has been fun. As a woman, of course I crave attention from the opposite sex, so complaining about it wouldn't make much sense right? Well, I'm not complaining at all. However, I've realized a few things. They say guys are only after one thing. That's a bit of a stereotype, but it also has a bit of truth. Being called hot by a guy makes a girl feels great. I'll gladly admit to the fact that I like that. Being attractive, having a nice body, working what you got is always a goal for a gal. Obviously, positive affirmation from a guy it what we're all striving for..whether we admit it or not. Now this is where I start realizing a few things. I realized that attention from guys, fully based on appearance is pretty much worthless. Any guy can check you out, throw out a line, give you a an empty compliment...that's a normal thing. But not too many can make you feel beautiful while respecting you and noticing that little light of yours. I didn't really recognize my problem at the time, but now I can fully identify it. I've been caught up in being desired for worldly, shallow things. I was hooked on that feeling of being wanted for how I looked. (Again, not saying that my appearance is anything special.) Whether it be walking around in the grocery store, stopped at a gas station, or pictures on Facebook...I wanted to catch a guy's eye. For me, that proved I was doing something right. Because I wasn't used to this 'freedom' of being able to flirt and whatnot, this all of the sudden this attention made me feel great about myself...

I'm going to switch gears now. Clearly I was going for the wrong type of attention. Although the idea of being considered hot by a guy your age is seemingly harmless, it doesn't honor God at all. My mom always asks me this: even when what I'm doing isn't considered bad, she poses the the question of whether it honors God or not. Whether it adds to my relationship with him, or just keeps things the same. As a Christian, increasing my faith, building strength, and growing every day in my walk, is the goal. We're constantly faced with the concept of worldly  vs. God things. After talking to some guy about the same old stuff, you're hot, blah blah blah, you know the deal...I just took a step back. While yeah, knowing that a cute guy thinks my body is hot made me feel good for a minute, I asked myself, what happens after he gets over that, or sees someone with an even hotter one? Getting praise from these guys because I have curves is 100% skin deep, and frankly, a waste of time. No matter how tall, dark, and handsome a man is, he can never compare to the kind of desire the King has for me. God made me who I am, in his image. I don't know about you, but because he is the alpha and omega, beginning and end, created the earth, ya' know..it makes me feel fantastic that little old me was created in his awesome image. Y'all have probably seen devotionals, books, and shows about being a Proverbs 31 woman. For a Christian woman, this is where we find our standards. It wasn't until I stepped back and realized the problem with the attention I was getting, that I fully understood what being a Proverbs 31 woman was. There's so much value in Proverbs, but the most commonly used verse says beauty fades away, but a woman who serves the Lord is to be greatly praised. That says it all! Long legs and a few curves may catch a guys attention, but it's my love for God that will truly attract the kind of guy I want to be with. Beauty is fleeting, it simply doesn't last. Beauty deep rooted in faith, however, stands the test of time. In a society plagued with a woman's value being weighed on the tannest skin, whitest teeth, tiniest waist, and hottest clothes...it's a dang hard task to be yourself. For years I've not been comfortable in my own skin and I've chased that 'ideal' image. Obviously that was a fail. There's no way I can truly be something I'm not. It may last for a week, a month, maybe even a year..but there's NO point in hiding who you really are. God created each and every one of us in a unique, beautiful fashion. He makes no mistakes. I'm not that perfect 5'6" 120 pound female, I'm Kaelee. I'm tall, I'm different,and I love the Lord above all else. I refuse to be ordinary. This little light of faith inside me is far more valuable than anything this world has to offer me. Boys listen up, my Lord and Savior will always be number one in my heart. Period. End of story. One of my favorite quotes is "A woman should be so lost in God that a man has to seek him, in order to find her." Well, let the scavenger hunt begin because my heart is placed in the hands of God. My beauty comes from the quiet, graceful strength that can only be found in him. Outward beauty is important to me, of course I am going to try for it, but it's not the most important. Inward beauty is what I'm striving to be valued on. I'm holding myself to a standard of grace, not perfection. To be myself, not what this world wants to see. To be with the kind of guy that challenges my faith, not puts it on hold. There's a well known song that sings "let's give them something to talk about." Ladies, let's do it. Be radiant in faith and make them boys wonder about that little light that's shining within.

When you're down to nothing, God's up to something.

I can't say I've truly been down to nothing, but I have been through my fair share of times in which I felt like I was. If any of you have followed this blog, or even heard my testimony, y'all know 2011 was a year of struggle. Facing the diagnosis of two years of immobility and using walking aids posed a great threat to my future. Things were dim. But, as per usual, God delivered me from that awful sentence. Now, it sure would be nice that if after facing a struggle like that, overcoming it, then moving on, things would stay perfect...that is SO not a fact of life. Without going into great detail, I will say these last few months have tested my faith beyond belief. I have faced huge amounts of emotional and physical pain. Pain I figured I'd never encounter. My seemingly ideal plan for my life was slowly slipping away. Now I must say, at the time I felt like I was losing everything, but in all reality, God's plan was just unfolding. I had lost a relationship, a clear future, and basically all belief in myself. How in the world was this according to God's plan you may ask? Well, it took me a little while to figure that out myself. After feeling so broken, a down-turn in my health battle, and a sudden change of education...I found myself back in my small town. While yes, I do love it here, I never imagined being back so soon. There was my first mistake. I was baffled because MY plan wasn't working out. Little did I know GOD's plan was. During this challenging time, I saw struggles all around. From my new found friends facing hard, life-changing experiences to just seeing the pitfalls of college, I found myself facing one heck of a decision. Do I keep doing my thing, while I'm watching it crumble around me? Or do I surrender to the Lord, give him my life as a whole...hopes, dreams, and passions? Looking back, I'm saying to myself, "Why would you even question that decision?!" But in that time and place of course I wanted to stick to my plan. I thought I had drawn up a good one. After holding out for a bit longer, and having even more go wrong...I gave in. I was broken down to nothing. I cried out to God and little to my surprise, he answered me. Finding myself in a different school than I had planned, a different town that I had wanted, and different people than expected...I felt at peace. Seriously, for once in my life, I was, and still am feeling perfectly CONTENT. Content with my appearance, my friends, my relationships, my classes, my family, my home, my LORD. Hurts that I felt were non healable have been healed. Dreams that I thought were shattered are now gleaming with hope. Bridges that were burned are now mended. God did all this. All my life I've been taught that He has a plan for me, all my life I've trusted that. What I now realize is that I was trusting, but on my terms. I was saying I'll give you my all, God, if I can do it my way. If I can just get what I want. There's a little saying that goes "Want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans." Let's just say I gave him a good ol' chuckle, knee-slapper if you will. From that, the good Lord broke me down, then built me right back up...stronger, better, and way more on fire for him. Most importantly, living my life according to his plan. James 1:2-4 has always been on of my favorite verses, but through this I can finally understand what it's saying. It reads: "My brothers ans sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and have everything you need." Well, if that doesn't sum everything up, I don't know what else will. I've faced troubles from all sides. God has given me a spirit of joy in dealing with them. Patience? I'm learning each day. And as far as showing it goes, I'm trying my best. People can judge and speculate, but I know that I can handle it with grace and poise. God has given me EVERYTHING I could ever need. I'm a blank page, God's the writer, and I just can't wait to see what story unfolds. God Bless <3