Phil Wickham sings a song called Cannons. The chorus goes like this "You are holy great and mighty, the moon and the stars declare who You are, I'm so unworthy, but still You love me, forever my heart will sing of how great You are."
Have you ever woke up just feeling a bit off? A bit strange? A little empty? Well for me, that happened just recently. I woke up feeling alone and scared. For me, a self proclaimed tough girl, this is not a normal thing. I had a friend spend the night for a girls relaxation evening, so when I woke up, it wasn't like I really was alone. I looked around from my blanket bed on the floor and just had a weird feeling. I had a friend over, so that alone feeling wasn't it. I live on a college campus, so it's not like lack of people was the cause it either. I pondered for a second and opened my laptop. I randomly checked an email account that I rarely use, but is linked to KLove verses of the day. I logged in and started reading all the scriptures from previous days. I tell ya, when the Holy Spirit wants to get a hold of you, He sure does it in a almost creepy because it's so accurate way! Verse after verse spoke to me and totally opened my eyes. The very first verse was Psalm 97:11, 'Light shines on the godly,and joy on those whose hearts are right.' It was made VERY apparent why I had woke up with a longing, a hunger, an empty feeling. For weeks I have been struggling with balancing college life with my spiritual one. In a town where anything goes and right and wrong pretty much goes out the window, it's tough staying mentally strong and guarding your heart. There's been days where I feel I am stronger with the Lord than ever, then others where I feel I have fallen completely short. For me the issue wasn't that I didn't know the choices I should be making, it was acting on that. God grabbed a hold of me a few weeks ago and really put life in perspective, I was on fire for Him! I'm the type of person who doesn't show pain or struggle, who rather make everything seem ok on the surface and hurt as a result, than to admit to any weakness. This whole mentality transferred over to my spiritual life. I had strengthened my relationship with the Lord, but then shortly after wouldn't admit to the struggle I was facing. As I've said before, it does no good to perceive yourself as doing fine and being strong in faith, while struggling on the inside and feeling unworthy. In the song I quoted above, it says I'm so unworthy, but still you love me. For me, that just makes me feel awesome. I realized in a short, couple hours, that my heart wasn't right...like right for reals. My intentions have all been in the right place, but because I didn't face my weakness, I just glossed over it and never faced it. God uses so many different things to get our attention, and this time, he used a perfectly good morning, one that I should have woke up feeling awesome, and made me question what the missing link was. Stress from school, finals, life, friends, relationships, have put huge amounts of strain on me. In my broken down state, my emptiness, God found me and restored me. Philippians 4:6 says Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. I realize that I don't have to go around with a sign saying I'm weak, telling everyone I know, I more importantly have to tell God. I can thank him for health and safety, school and friends. I can give him glory for intervening the way he did. And I can FULLY trust him to deliver my from this valley, to get me through finals...whatever my issue, I know he has my back. To God be all the glory!
