The Word Ok.

Well hello there blog that I have neglected for months, how are ya? Probably better than me! Just kidding...well kind of.

It has been a while since I have been on my blog, and just as it happens every time, one small thought sparks a spontaneous posting. Tonight, it's nothing grand. Tonight it's simply not being ok. Now I know how that sounds, pretty negative right? Well, I don't mean it in a whole life sense, I mean it in a here and now thought way. As I mindlessly scroll through Facebook, unable to sleep tonight, thoughts keep rushing through my head. (probably part of the reason I can't sleep!) Isn't it weird how at the end of the day, when you should be the most tired, somehow all those thoughts that you were too busy to acknowledge during the day creep into your head and suddenly you're wide awake? Then it's just you and them...everything you're mad at, sad about, or frustrated with, takes over. Awkward. You don't know whether to face them head on, expressing that anger, heroically throwing a book off the night stand as if you're showing those thought's who's boss, or crying out as quietly as you can, just trying to cope. (either one will probably result in waking my husband...or at least one dog!) It's a serious dilemma. When you're in that moment, where it seems as though you just can't shake that negativity, you have a choice. Now, in no way, shape, or form, am I claiming to be the brave one who steps out, full of faith, saying "you don't have a hold on me, thoughts!" That's actually the point of this post. We get caught up in a idealistic Christian world. This is a world where everyone is just fine and dandy. There's no depression, there's no continuing hurt, there's no money problems, no relationship problems...and everyone is dressed to the nine's in church apparel come Sunday morning. Sorry to break it to you folks, but that world doesn't exist. People work their butt's off trying to achieve this image, trying to maintain that perfect, quiet, quaint little Christian life. There's nothing wrong with  striving for that type of life, however being under the delusion that that's the only way God (and your fellow church-goers) will accept you is bologna! Ok, ok, I'm sounded a bit preachy right now...how about I break it down in a real life way.
Depression. Yeah, you heard of it? Let me guess, you've just heard negative things associated with it. I bet if you walked into quite a few churches and wore a name tag that says "depressed" in that name box, then you'd get some funny looks, and some comments muttered about you as you took your seat. Doctors don't look at your chart and your labeled ailment, then judge you for it. Nor do they mock you or refuse to treat you. Why do Christians do it then? When someone who is suffering, from depression or otherwise, comes into a church, they are looking for healing. Often times what they get is judgement and a 'cookie-cutter' response to what they're going through. They can sense the lack of sincerity and the lesser than attitude they receive...which I feel is a contributor to why people are detoured from attending. One of the first things I heard Pastor John say at Living Hope Church was this is a hospital for all those who are hurting, all those who are broken, you don't have to be 'ok' to go to church. Wow, just wow.
I'm going to hold that thought and explain one thing. Typically when I blog, it's about something that is happening at the present time, but something I am overcoming or in control of. This time it's much different. I come to you as a broken human being, as someone who isn't preaching at you, but rather writing about things I notice on this journey of healing. For the first time in my life, I can say I'm not just 'fine.' As I reflect on past trials, I see that I struggled, but I was ok. When I said I was 'just fine' then, there was a considerable amount of truth. I was broken, yes, but for the most part I felt control. I felt as though my circumstances were tough, but ultimately I really was fine. Now, however, as I stare a degree of real life depression in the face, it scares me. I ALWAYS know there is hope, but this time it seems as though there is no control. I'm in a frustrating medical battle in which it seems no answers are available. I struggle with PTSD. Our bills seem to pile up right when it feels like we're ahead. I'm still picking up the pieces of my dad's unexpected suicide, and struggling with the fact that I should be fine after a year. Wait, did I just write that? That "I should be fine?" See, that's my very point. Who sets a time limit on when we have to be ok or not? It's not about that at all, it's about seeking healing. This comes full circle with what I was talking about previously. If there's some magical time frame of when you have to be ok corresponding with what tragedy just hit, then boy oh boy, I am definitely out of luck! A church is a hospital. A place for the broken to be healed. This should take place on God's watch, not yours, not theirs. As I struggle with this very stuff I'm talking about, I'm telling myself over and over again that I don't have to be ok. Now, it doesn't mean you or I get off without having to do anything. What we must, must, must do is to always have hope, always remain faithful, and always trust the Lord. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says "Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances.." Obviously easier said than done...I'm living proof of that! Everyday I question when I will snap out of this fog, when really I should be praying for God's healing and his hand on my life. I should stop worrying, stop doubting, stop panicking. I should no longer be angry, nor let sadness take over. But, what have I been saying for these past few paragraphs? I don't have to be ok! If I stopped all those things, I'd be perfect. I wouldn't have a care in the world. LOL @ whoever thinks that's real life. If you're seeking God faithfully and diligently, then cool, here's your award...you're trying! And that matters big time! Perfection isn't real, but the desire to be healed most definitely is.
Even in the midst of this fog I'm in, I am thankful for God's many blessings. I have a beyond wonderful husband, a lovely home, an amazing family, furry animals that are there whenever I need a cuddle, and I wake up every morning breathing!
I am far, far from where I feel I should be...but again, there's no set time...it's all on God's watch. As I faithfully trust God, and believe in that hope of being healed one day, I will have shaky moments. I'll be on my game one day, off of it another. Good thing my Heavenly Father is the greatest healer, the greatest listener, and a patient friend.

For tonight, I leave you with this verse (which had mysteriously perfect timing as K-Love's verse of the day)...'Don't sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.
Psalm 4:4-5

God bless.

I Shall Believe.

Sadness, anger, disbelief, memories. This cycle repeats in my head day after day, all day. I find myself having to hide it. Rationalizing in my head that I should 'just be over this.' I'm at this point; the point where everyone else has moved on with their lives, but I'm still here, I'm still hurting. No, I don't believe I'm weak, however those little whispers go through my head daily, 'just get over yourself,' 'you should be fine,' 'it's been months,' 'you're a pansy if you're still struggling.' I do have to add though, I'm so thankful for my much wiser fiance you quickly shuts those thoughts down when I'm doubting. Anyway, his is going to sound bad, but when all this death stuff was recent, it was easier to be strong. Now that the dust has settled and life has moved on, it's harder. I feel like there's this bus called life and I'm constantly running behind it trying to catch it, trying to catch up. Everything is different now. To be honest with you, I've let all this get to me this past week. Whether it be crying early in the morning, trying to keep it together around people, or sleepless nights where I just feel sad, I've been a little bit of a mess recently. Today however, as I got out of the shower and brushed my hair to the side, I caught the glimpse of my most recent ink addition. There, on the left side of my neck, right below the hairline are the words 'Only God.' I often forget I have that tattoo being as it's hidden most of the time. Ironically, I forget that I have 'Only God' and just as the hair covers the ink, life problems cover my faith. Have you ever felt, well, almost dumb? Like God gotcha' this time? That was me this morning. I kind of thought to myself, all this time you've been struggling so badly and the answer was so plainly there. I mentioned the song I Shall Believe by Matt Brouwer in my last posting. This song was the song I listened to as I made that dreaded drive back to Grays River after hearing the news about my Dad. Every lyric is great, however, one stuck out to me this morning as I made my Starbucks run. He sings, 'I'm broken in two, and I know that you're onto me, that I only come home, when I'm so all alone, but I do believe.' Seriously, God is so good at getting through to me, it's almost creepy how spot on it is EVERY time! Ha! This line of the song is what I've been living this past week or so. I've been broken, and I've turned to God as more of a last ditch effort rather than a constant source of strength. Oh, but the Lord wasn't done yet, my attention was caught even more as the song went on. It continues by saying, 'That not everything is gonna be the way you think it oughta be, it seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me, please say honestly you won't give up on me, and I shall believe.' Well, there we go again, caught in the act. As much as I don't want to admit it, I've tried to handle everything on my own. I don't mean I shut out God and his plans, no, no, no, not even a little. What I do mean is that when I'm in the middle of a sleepless night, I've tried to deal with it. When people are around and it takes all of me to try and not break down, I've relied on exactly that, all of ME. Only God, the biggest theme of my life, my driving force, my motto. Not only is that phrase those three things, it's also a reality that has been proven. God didn't turn his back on my because I was trying to handle things on my own. He rather stayed on my side and had my back at all times, even when I didn't ask for it. Looking back on these last couple weeks, I've had some big stress issues and some life changing decisions. Yeah, they've been tough, still are, but I don't even want to imagine how much harder all that would have been without God. Like the song says, He's been onto me with this whole turning to him in desperation thing. But you know what? That's why he's there. Some people argue that you can't just ebb and flow to and from God. Which while yes, that's not what is ideal or even right, it happens. The biggest misconception is that God gets mad at you and often times that's people's lame excuse for not going back to him. God is always there with you. He wants your problems. I've tried to hide mine from everyone including him, and clearly, I've realized that's ridiculous. Whether you've been 'absent' from the whole God thing and afraid to go back, or like me, you've been so caught up with dealing with life and trying to keep that perfect appearance, you've neglected God's help a little...He's waiting for you. That's the pure and simple fact. Let go of the control. Finances? Yeah, they're one of my main concerns. Job hunting? It brings a lot of stress. Grieving? Ouch, it really does hurt. Relationships? They sure can be tough. What do all those have in common though? God's perfect plan in ALL aspects of your life. Easily one of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11 in the New Century Version: "I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future." That says it all folks. Worrying is a senseless act, unless you're trying to tackle everything on your own. Just give it up. God's plans are far greater than anything you could imagine. Even though I go through that cycle of sadness, anger, disbelief, and memories, I know that ultimately God is providing me with a great hope. The Lord, my rock and my strength, is turning this MESS into a message and this TEST into a testimony.

It's ONLY GOD.