Even tough for a tough girl? Let go, let God.

So are y'all ready for story time? I need a little space to vent and also to showcase yet again, just how amazing our God is! If any of you have read my last posting, you know I was met with a strange and not mention difficult  situation. I wrote about the fears that come along with being attacked. The fears I expressed were all as a result of an attack where, in my mind, sexual actions were being pursued. I had a sense that my attacker was after that sort of thing, but secretly hoped I was off base. Anyways, I soon realized that my God is BIGGER than any fear associated with that type of thing. I decided to put all my trust into Him, which is always the best idea by the way. After a week or so of getting this seemingly minor altercation out of my head, my faith was tested yet again. As I drove down a parallel street to my apartment, headed to the tanning salon, something caught my attention. No, it wasn't the lake nor the sunshine. It wasn't the thought of my unexpectedly great midterm grade nor the music bumpin' in my truck. What was it then? Shoes; a black pair of Nike's with red laces. A normal looking pair, probably manufactured by the millions. Something many men sport on the daily. So what was so special about these? Well, they were being worn by my attacker. Never in my life had I been so sure of something. I turned that corner, glanced over to the lake, noticed the unmistakable gait of this man, his shoes, and his build. It was the dude. As I debated what to do, I pulled over and parked my truck. I watched him for a minute as I decided what steps to take next. He was strolling about the lake, nonchalantly, soaking up the sun. I got out of my truck and started to walk to the front of it. Honestly, I was ready to fight. Reason kicked in and I told myself that engaging was a bad idea and that I needed to get back in, lucky for him. As I picked up my phone and dialed my dad, the unexpected happened. Now, I say unexpected loosely because I completely expected this to happen, just never for me to witness it. A young, tan, fit girl jogged passed this guy. She was running at a similar clip as I was the previous week. As she went by, he turned and ran after her. The uncoordinated, ridiculous sprint he was executing was the exact one he had done to me. There was a crowd of people and she was running a bit too fast, thus causing him to give up that pursuit. He turned back to his original direction, reached his hand into his pants, and messed with his jock area. I was disgusted. I could not believe what I had/was witnessing. At this point, I went all Law and Order on him and was ready for game on. He crossed the same bridge to where he had met me the week before and headed around the lake once again. I had decided to call 911 to report this incident and was describing his whereabouts as I stalked him on the street. He went below the overhead bridge and disappeared into a series of shrubs. I agreed I would wait at my location and talk to a responding officer. As I sat in my truck, I looked over to my left and what do you know, that idiot was now walking down that sidewalk. As about as perfectly timed as could be, a black and white two toned patrol car did a u-turn and impeded the subjects course of travel. Now, long story short, I gave a written description of my attack again and what I had seen a few moments earlier. It was explained to me that he has a history of these sorts of crimes and is familiar with the system. I felt SO relived that this son of a biscuit was finally apprehended and that a few of my fears (yeah, you know they still TRY to linger with me) could be put to rest.

Seems like a win-win situation doesn't it? Faith didn't seem to be tested too badly, the act of beating the crap out of him maybe, but faith, nah, everything seems fine right? Well, there's a few parts I failed to mention. Remember before where I said I sensed he was after a sexual act in the course of my attack? I've been hoping all along that that fact would neither be confirmed nor even addressed. The time to face my fear happened in an instant. The officer who had been talking to the guy for upwards of 30 minutes, walked over to me and slowly explained what was going on. He looked at me with a startled, almost alarmed face and said, now I just want you to know, he admitted to what he wanted with you when he attacked. Without details, he basically said he wanted to push me down and get on top of me. Even typing this now is a task to be reckoned with. Nonetheless, ALL my suspicions, worst nightmares, whatever you want to call them, were confirmed. What I wish I could have just passed off as a random mugging was now confirmed as a strategic, attempted sexual assault. This subject has a past record of this sort of crime and for him, I was just another victim. Now, I feel extremely blessed that he did NOT successfully complete what he was trying for, so don't be thinking I've let that fact slip by. What I am saying is that after last weeks post of being a big bad tough girl, who yeah, acknowledges that fear does attack even the strong, I was faced head on. The fear of last week is nothing compared to that of today. This really rocked my world. I thought I had a complete handle on this, and that it was an event of the past. Now I'm seeing my worst case scenario idea and the real threat of sexual assault unfold in front of my eyes? Dang, it's a tough place to be. For those of you who know me, y'all know I don't like crying, nor showing weakness in general...(a weakness in itself ha). But today, after giving a very surgical description of the attack, I broke down. I sat in my truck and just plain cried. I cried more today than I have in the past 4 months combined. It was a strange feeling. I felt like every ounce of that tough girl mentality was slipping away, and I was falling into a victim role, one in which I was not comfortable with. As I collected myself, went up to my room, and cracked open a Pepsi...I faced my reality. I was attacked, yes. It was out of sexual desire and deviance, yes. He wanted to rape me, yes. I thought to myself, WOW, I'm at a loss for words. It was then when I faced reality again. I'm not hurt, true. There's no physical harm to speak of, true. I defeated his pathetic attempt, oh heck yeah. I faced a few more realities real quickly after these. I serve a God who protected me from a despicable act, yes. My God is stronger than ANYTHING this world can throw at me, of course. Any fear, pain, or worries can be given to God, mhmm. I can find complete healing and rest in Him, YES MA'AM! Yet again , WOW! Psalm 118:6 says 'The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?' It never ceases to amaze me what verses basically highlight themselves at the perfect times, this being no exception. Three key pieces to that scripture. (1) The Lord is with me. He is always by my side, he never leaves me, nor forsakes me. He's my right, even left, hand man at all times. (2) I will have no fear. Wait, what's fear? If the creator of the universe is always on my six, always has my back, and is always leading me in the right direction, then why in the world would I even bother with fear?! Honestly, the more I realize it, the more I see it's just a monumental waste of my time to worry. (3) What can mere man do to me? Mere is the keyword there. Man, meaning all humans in this case, are weak compared to the almighty power of God. I could get my teeth knocked out, right eye blackened, and be gimping around, but that's not match to the power of my Lord and Savior. Sorry guys, your biceps will never be close to the strength that God demonstrates.

I'm going to end this with my favorite verse. SHE IS CLOTHED IN STRENGTH AND DIGNITY, AND SHE LAUGHS WITHOUT FEAR OF THE FUTURE. Proverbs 31:25. I could go buy a $10,000 Pnina Tornai gown, but it wouldn't compare to the strength from which God gives me, that adorns me everywhere I go. I know that I will have tough things like this happen for the rest of my life, but I can be joyful in hope of the future, and not worry about a thing. I can't express what God has worked in me through this, but I can however speak of the greatest source of power than anyone can ever have. Now more than ever I can say to God be ALL the glory in FULL confidence.

 

Fear? Nah, I choose faith.

Once again, recent events and a particularly inspiring quote have prompted this post. First off, I've had a rough couple of days. Not only with the incident, but just with life in general. What incident you may ask? Well, it started Sunday afternoon. I decided to go for a run around the lovely lake, which is right down the street from my apartment. I figured my homework could wait and my buns would benefit from a little toning up. I parked my truck, turned on my music, and embarked on a little jog. Things were wonderful; a nice day (meaning no rain by western Washington standards), a beautiful view of the lake, and the panting of a good workout. As I turned the corner to head back towards my truck, I was quite ready to be done. I realized I was a wee bit more out of shape than originally projected! HA! Nonetheless, I decided to push on. As I approached the cross walk, I looked to my left and made eye contact with a fellow runner. Not too out of the ordinary I thought to myself. As he was b-lining it to the sidewalk, we met exactly at the same time. I pressed the cross button and waited. Of course I took that opportunity to check Facebook, why put those brief seconds to waste right? Well anyway, the light changed, the walk signal turned on, my phone was put back into my sports bra, and I picked up a jog once again. As I continued on, I noticed out of my peripheral vision the same man starting a seemingly uncoordinated sprint. We almost collided and I looked over my right shoulder to apologize for getting in his way. He was obviously pretty into this workout business, or so I thought. After a few more backward glimpses of awkward eye contact, I started to get a weird feeling. This guy was up to something. Immediately after my red flag was thrown up, he came right beside me and asked if he could talk to me. I thought to myself oh heeecck no you freak, but instead responded with a "no, sorry man." He was persistent and asked again. At this point I was getting a little pissed off. While running beside me, I told him once again, "nahhh sorry brah, I don't want to talk." For whatever I encompassed the vocabulary of a dude as I responded back to this guy, haha. Anyways, he then proceeded to ask me what my name was. I really felt weird then! I told him "don't worry about it, you don't need to know about that." I was pretty well frustrated at this random guy and decided jogging away from him was my best bet. As I picked up the pace, so did he. He then reached out with both hands, one at my neck, the other at my long brown pony-tail. Without hesitation, I drew back and punched him in the face...a reflex I didn't know I had. There were some very choice words flying at that point. I was yelling at him to get the beepedy-beep-beeeeep-beep away from me. He started to walk away from me and then pitbull mode turned on. I told him to not walk that a** away from me, but to run you (insert poor language here.) Now I know this sort of language is not necessarily good, but in this situation I consider it completely appropriate. He veered to my left and jogged off through a playground packed with kids. I was pretty shocked at what had just happened so randomly in broad daylight. Again, out of instinct, I called my dad. He was very worried and told me to report this to 911. Long story short, I called, they responded, I gave a statement, they sent multiple units out looking for him. I was completely fine, no physical harm to speak of, I was more concerned about his exit strategy through the crowd of children. If he had the guts to attack a close to 6' tall woman in the daylight, what would stop him from snatching up a 4 year old girl. In the end, I was pretty shook up by this and my dad came to my place to get me.

Now, I want to reference the quote that has helped me out this week. I found this on Pinterest of course, and it reads " Faith and fear cannot exist in the same place at the same time." For anyone who knows me, I pride myself on being tough. I portray it in my actions, exhibit it in my behavior, and have blogged about it in the past. I have a legitimate phobia of showing weakness, of being a pansy. Without going into detail, I have had experience with this sort of crime before. I know the ins and outs of this type of thing. For me, being attacked rocked my world. Although I would be considered the winner if this was a tap-out match, emotions were triggered. I thought to myself, why am I a target?! I am a 5'10" ready to fight, put of your dukes, lights out kind of girl. Where was my weakness exposed in any of that? For the first time in a long time I felt weak. I felt helpless. I felt like I was just acting out the role of being the tough on. I always say cowgirls don't cry, so the feeling of tears welling up in my eyes just wasn't ok for me. While yes, I really am tougher than a lot of girls, I comlptely misconstrued that with showing zero emotion. For these last couple days, I've been acting like nothing has affected me. You can bet your boots I would knock that guy's lights out right freakin' now, but that doesn't mean that when the adrenaline level is down and I'm alone at night, fear doesn't set in. Every time I've gone to the store, walked to class, or left apartment, I have been looking over my shoulder. Part of me says come at me bro, let's fight! But the other says are other men looking at me as a target, what if there's someone I couldn't take and win? These thoughts have really clouded my mind. I was so thankful that after the attack, things weren't worse than they were. It seems pretty harmless because I didn't get really physically hurt, I wasn't black an blue and laid up in the hospital. My weekend concert plans were still on! The Lord had my back for sure! Again however, these doesn't take away doubts. I don't express fear. It's a sign of weakness to me and I just don't let that happen. This is why this week has been hard. I have been so scared! See there? That was my mistake. Here I was thanking the Lord that things didn't escalate between that John Doe and I, yet I was letting fear creep in and take over. The quote I am basing this on sums it all up. How can you have faith and fear at the same time? Faith doesn't make things easy, however it does make all things possible. I may struggle with the feeling of being targeted, but with my faith put completely in God, I can lay those to rest and find total peace in him. My tough girl mentality cannot be based on my physical strength nor my own personal will...true power comes from above. I really can do ALL things through CHRIST who STRENGTHENS me, the vital part of that being through Christ. Without him, I can't face these battles. With him, I have a guaranteed victory! Fear takes way too much out of someone, and frankly, school work does that enough, I don't have time. There's not many issues in life that come with a simple answer, but luckily for me, this in one. My FAITH is in God. My HOPE is in God. He LOVES me unconditionally. Faith, hope, love. It's that simple. From here on out, as soon as fear rears it's ugly head, I will stand confidentially and know I am armed with the greatest weapon, faith.

God Bless.