Sadness, anger, disbelief, memories. This cycle repeats in my head day after day, all day. I find myself having to hide it. Rationalizing in my head that I should 'just be over this.' I'm at this point; the point where everyone else has moved on with their lives, but I'm still here, I'm still hurting. No, I don't believe I'm weak, however those little whispers go through my head daily, 'just get over yourself,' 'you should be fine,' 'it's been months,' 'you're a pansy if you're still struggling.' I do have to add though, I'm so thankful for my much wiser fiance you quickly shuts those thoughts down when I'm doubting. Anyway, his is going to sound bad, but when all this death stuff was recent, it was easier to be strong. Now that the dust has settled and life has moved on, it's harder. I feel like there's this bus called life and I'm constantly running behind it trying to catch it, trying to catch up. Everything is different now. To be honest with you, I've let all this get to me this past week. Whether it be crying early in the morning, trying to keep it together around people, or sleepless nights where I just feel sad, I've been a little bit of a mess recently. Today however, as I got out of the shower and brushed my hair to the side, I caught the glimpse of my most recent ink addition. There, on the left side of my neck, right below the hairline are the words 'Only God.' I often forget I have that tattoo being as it's hidden most of the time. Ironically, I forget that I have 'Only God' and just as the hair covers the ink, life problems cover my faith. Have you ever felt, well, almost dumb? Like God gotcha' this time? That was me this morning. I kind of thought to myself, all this time you've been struggling so badly and the answer was so plainly there. I mentioned the song I Shall Believe by Matt Brouwer in my last posting. This song was the song I listened to as I made that dreaded drive back to Grays River after hearing the news about my Dad. Every lyric is great, however, one stuck out to me this morning as I made my Starbucks run. He sings, 'I'm broken in two, and I know that you're onto me, that I only come home, when I'm so all alone, but I do believe.' Seriously, God is so good at getting through to me, it's almost creepy how spot on it is EVERY time! Ha! This line of the song is what I've been living this past week or so. I've been broken, and I've turned to God as more of a last ditch effort rather than a constant source of strength. Oh, but the Lord wasn't done yet, my attention was caught even more as the song went on. It continues by saying, 'That not everything is gonna be the way you think it oughta be, it seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me, please say honestly you won't give up on me, and I shall believe.' Well, there we go again, caught in the act. As much as I don't want to admit it, I've tried to handle everything on my own. I don't mean I shut out God and his plans, no, no, no, not even a little. What I do mean is that when I'm in the middle of a sleepless night, I've tried to deal with it. When people are around and it takes all of me to try and not break down, I've relied on exactly that, all of ME. Only God, the biggest theme of my life, my driving force, my motto. Not only is that phrase those three things, it's also a reality that has been proven. God didn't turn his back on my because I was trying to handle things on my own. He rather stayed on my side and had my back at all times, even when I didn't ask for it. Looking back on these last couple weeks, I've had some big stress issues and some life changing decisions. Yeah, they've been tough, still are, but I don't even want to imagine how much harder all that would have been without God. Like the song says, He's been onto me with this whole turning to him in desperation thing. But you know what? That's why he's there. Some people argue that you can't just ebb and flow to and from God. Which while yes, that's not what is ideal or even right, it happens. The biggest misconception is that God gets mad at you and often times that's people's lame excuse for not going back to him. God is always there with you. He wants your problems. I've tried to hide mine from everyone including him, and clearly, I've realized that's ridiculous. Whether you've been 'absent' from the whole God thing and afraid to go back, or like me, you've been so caught up with dealing with life and trying to keep that perfect appearance, you've neglected God's help a little...He's waiting for you. That's the pure and simple fact. Let go of the control. Finances? Yeah, they're one of my main concerns. Job hunting? It brings a lot of stress. Grieving? Ouch, it really does hurt. Relationships? They sure can be tough. What do all those have in common though? God's perfect plan in ALL aspects of your life. Easily one of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11 in the New Century Version: "I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future." That says it all folks. Worrying is a senseless act, unless you're trying to tackle everything on your own. Just give it up. God's plans are far greater than anything you could imagine. Even though I go through that cycle of sadness, anger, disbelief, and memories, I know that ultimately God is providing me with a great hope. The Lord, my rock and my strength, is turning this MESS into a message and this TEST into a testimony.
It's ONLY GOD.
