Even tough for a tough girl? Let go, let God.

So are y'all ready for story time? I need a little space to vent and also to showcase yet again, just how amazing our God is! If any of you have read my last posting, you know I was met with a strange and not mention difficult  situation. I wrote about the fears that come along with being attacked. The fears I expressed were all as a result of an attack where, in my mind, sexual actions were being pursued. I had a sense that my attacker was after that sort of thing, but secretly hoped I was off base. Anyways, I soon realized that my God is BIGGER than any fear associated with that type of thing. I decided to put all my trust into Him, which is always the best idea by the way. After a week or so of getting this seemingly minor altercation out of my head, my faith was tested yet again. As I drove down a parallel street to my apartment, headed to the tanning salon, something caught my attention. No, it wasn't the lake nor the sunshine. It wasn't the thought of my unexpectedly great midterm grade nor the music bumpin' in my truck. What was it then? Shoes; a black pair of Nike's with red laces. A normal looking pair, probably manufactured by the millions. Something many men sport on the daily. So what was so special about these? Well, they were being worn by my attacker. Never in my life had I been so sure of something. I turned that corner, glanced over to the lake, noticed the unmistakable gait of this man, his shoes, and his build. It was the dude. As I debated what to do, I pulled over and parked my truck. I watched him for a minute as I decided what steps to take next. He was strolling about the lake, nonchalantly, soaking up the sun. I got out of my truck and started to walk to the front of it. Honestly, I was ready to fight. Reason kicked in and I told myself that engaging was a bad idea and that I needed to get back in, lucky for him. As I picked up my phone and dialed my dad, the unexpected happened. Now, I say unexpected loosely because I completely expected this to happen, just never for me to witness it. A young, tan, fit girl jogged passed this guy. She was running at a similar clip as I was the previous week. As she went by, he turned and ran after her. The uncoordinated, ridiculous sprint he was executing was the exact one he had done to me. There was a crowd of people and she was running a bit too fast, thus causing him to give up that pursuit. He turned back to his original direction, reached his hand into his pants, and messed with his jock area. I was disgusted. I could not believe what I had/was witnessing. At this point, I went all Law and Order on him and was ready for game on. He crossed the same bridge to where he had met me the week before and headed around the lake once again. I had decided to call 911 to report this incident and was describing his whereabouts as I stalked him on the street. He went below the overhead bridge and disappeared into a series of shrubs. I agreed I would wait at my location and talk to a responding officer. As I sat in my truck, I looked over to my left and what do you know, that idiot was now walking down that sidewalk. As about as perfectly timed as could be, a black and white two toned patrol car did a u-turn and impeded the subjects course of travel. Now, long story short, I gave a written description of my attack again and what I had seen a few moments earlier. It was explained to me that he has a history of these sorts of crimes and is familiar with the system. I felt SO relived that this son of a biscuit was finally apprehended and that a few of my fears (yeah, you know they still TRY to linger with me) could be put to rest.

Seems like a win-win situation doesn't it? Faith didn't seem to be tested too badly, the act of beating the crap out of him maybe, but faith, nah, everything seems fine right? Well, there's a few parts I failed to mention. Remember before where I said I sensed he was after a sexual act in the course of my attack? I've been hoping all along that that fact would neither be confirmed nor even addressed. The time to face my fear happened in an instant. The officer who had been talking to the guy for upwards of 30 minutes, walked over to me and slowly explained what was going on. He looked at me with a startled, almost alarmed face and said, now I just want you to know, he admitted to what he wanted with you when he attacked. Without details, he basically said he wanted to push me down and get on top of me. Even typing this now is a task to be reckoned with. Nonetheless, ALL my suspicions, worst nightmares, whatever you want to call them, were confirmed. What I wish I could have just passed off as a random mugging was now confirmed as a strategic, attempted sexual assault. This subject has a past record of this sort of crime and for him, I was just another victim. Now, I feel extremely blessed that he did NOT successfully complete what he was trying for, so don't be thinking I've let that fact slip by. What I am saying is that after last weeks post of being a big bad tough girl, who yeah, acknowledges that fear does attack even the strong, I was faced head on. The fear of last week is nothing compared to that of today. This really rocked my world. I thought I had a complete handle on this, and that it was an event of the past. Now I'm seeing my worst case scenario idea and the real threat of sexual assault unfold in front of my eyes? Dang, it's a tough place to be. For those of you who know me, y'all know I don't like crying, nor showing weakness in general...(a weakness in itself ha). But today, after giving a very surgical description of the attack, I broke down. I sat in my truck and just plain cried. I cried more today than I have in the past 4 months combined. It was a strange feeling. I felt like every ounce of that tough girl mentality was slipping away, and I was falling into a victim role, one in which I was not comfortable with. As I collected myself, went up to my room, and cracked open a Pepsi...I faced my reality. I was attacked, yes. It was out of sexual desire and deviance, yes. He wanted to rape me, yes. I thought to myself, WOW, I'm at a loss for words. It was then when I faced reality again. I'm not hurt, true. There's no physical harm to speak of, true. I defeated his pathetic attempt, oh heck yeah. I faced a few more realities real quickly after these. I serve a God who protected me from a despicable act, yes. My God is stronger than ANYTHING this world can throw at me, of course. Any fear, pain, or worries can be given to God, mhmm. I can find complete healing and rest in Him, YES MA'AM! Yet again , WOW! Psalm 118:6 says 'The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?' It never ceases to amaze me what verses basically highlight themselves at the perfect times, this being no exception. Three key pieces to that scripture. (1) The Lord is with me. He is always by my side, he never leaves me, nor forsakes me. He's my right, even left, hand man at all times. (2) I will have no fear. Wait, what's fear? If the creator of the universe is always on my six, always has my back, and is always leading me in the right direction, then why in the world would I even bother with fear?! Honestly, the more I realize it, the more I see it's just a monumental waste of my time to worry. (3) What can mere man do to me? Mere is the keyword there. Man, meaning all humans in this case, are weak compared to the almighty power of God. I could get my teeth knocked out, right eye blackened, and be gimping around, but that's not match to the power of my Lord and Savior. Sorry guys, your biceps will never be close to the strength that God demonstrates.

I'm going to end this with my favorite verse. SHE IS CLOTHED IN STRENGTH AND DIGNITY, AND SHE LAUGHS WITHOUT FEAR OF THE FUTURE. Proverbs 31:25. I could go buy a $10,000 Pnina Tornai gown, but it wouldn't compare to the strength from which God gives me, that adorns me everywhere I go. I know that I will have tough things like this happen for the rest of my life, but I can be joyful in hope of the future, and not worry about a thing. I can't express what God has worked in me through this, but I can however speak of the greatest source of power than anyone can ever have. Now more than ever I can say to God be ALL the glory in FULL confidence.

 

Fear? Nah, I choose faith.

Once again, recent events and a particularly inspiring quote have prompted this post. First off, I've had a rough couple of days. Not only with the incident, but just with life in general. What incident you may ask? Well, it started Sunday afternoon. I decided to go for a run around the lovely lake, which is right down the street from my apartment. I figured my homework could wait and my buns would benefit from a little toning up. I parked my truck, turned on my music, and embarked on a little jog. Things were wonderful; a nice day (meaning no rain by western Washington standards), a beautiful view of the lake, and the panting of a good workout. As I turned the corner to head back towards my truck, I was quite ready to be done. I realized I was a wee bit more out of shape than originally projected! HA! Nonetheless, I decided to push on. As I approached the cross walk, I looked to my left and made eye contact with a fellow runner. Not too out of the ordinary I thought to myself. As he was b-lining it to the sidewalk, we met exactly at the same time. I pressed the cross button and waited. Of course I took that opportunity to check Facebook, why put those brief seconds to waste right? Well anyway, the light changed, the walk signal turned on, my phone was put back into my sports bra, and I picked up a jog once again. As I continued on, I noticed out of my peripheral vision the same man starting a seemingly uncoordinated sprint. We almost collided and I looked over my right shoulder to apologize for getting in his way. He was obviously pretty into this workout business, or so I thought. After a few more backward glimpses of awkward eye contact, I started to get a weird feeling. This guy was up to something. Immediately after my red flag was thrown up, he came right beside me and asked if he could talk to me. I thought to myself oh heeecck no you freak, but instead responded with a "no, sorry man." He was persistent and asked again. At this point I was getting a little pissed off. While running beside me, I told him once again, "nahhh sorry brah, I don't want to talk." For whatever I encompassed the vocabulary of a dude as I responded back to this guy, haha. Anyways, he then proceeded to ask me what my name was. I really felt weird then! I told him "don't worry about it, you don't need to know about that." I was pretty well frustrated at this random guy and decided jogging away from him was my best bet. As I picked up the pace, so did he. He then reached out with both hands, one at my neck, the other at my long brown pony-tail. Without hesitation, I drew back and punched him in the face...a reflex I didn't know I had. There were some very choice words flying at that point. I was yelling at him to get the beepedy-beep-beeeeep-beep away from me. He started to walk away from me and then pitbull mode turned on. I told him to not walk that a** away from me, but to run you (insert poor language here.) Now I know this sort of language is not necessarily good, but in this situation I consider it completely appropriate. He veered to my left and jogged off through a playground packed with kids. I was pretty shocked at what had just happened so randomly in broad daylight. Again, out of instinct, I called my dad. He was very worried and told me to report this to 911. Long story short, I called, they responded, I gave a statement, they sent multiple units out looking for him. I was completely fine, no physical harm to speak of, I was more concerned about his exit strategy through the crowd of children. If he had the guts to attack a close to 6' tall woman in the daylight, what would stop him from snatching up a 4 year old girl. In the end, I was pretty shook up by this and my dad came to my place to get me.

Now, I want to reference the quote that has helped me out this week. I found this on Pinterest of course, and it reads " Faith and fear cannot exist in the same place at the same time." For anyone who knows me, I pride myself on being tough. I portray it in my actions, exhibit it in my behavior, and have blogged about it in the past. I have a legitimate phobia of showing weakness, of being a pansy. Without going into detail, I have had experience with this sort of crime before. I know the ins and outs of this type of thing. For me, being attacked rocked my world. Although I would be considered the winner if this was a tap-out match, emotions were triggered. I thought to myself, why am I a target?! I am a 5'10" ready to fight, put of your dukes, lights out kind of girl. Where was my weakness exposed in any of that? For the first time in a long time I felt weak. I felt helpless. I felt like I was just acting out the role of being the tough on. I always say cowgirls don't cry, so the feeling of tears welling up in my eyes just wasn't ok for me. While yes, I really am tougher than a lot of girls, I comlptely misconstrued that with showing zero emotion. For these last couple days, I've been acting like nothing has affected me. You can bet your boots I would knock that guy's lights out right freakin' now, but that doesn't mean that when the adrenaline level is down and I'm alone at night, fear doesn't set in. Every time I've gone to the store, walked to class, or left apartment, I have been looking over my shoulder. Part of me says come at me bro, let's fight! But the other says are other men looking at me as a target, what if there's someone I couldn't take and win? These thoughts have really clouded my mind. I was so thankful that after the attack, things weren't worse than they were. It seems pretty harmless because I didn't get really physically hurt, I wasn't black an blue and laid up in the hospital. My weekend concert plans were still on! The Lord had my back for sure! Again however, these doesn't take away doubts. I don't express fear. It's a sign of weakness to me and I just don't let that happen. This is why this week has been hard. I have been so scared! See there? That was my mistake. Here I was thanking the Lord that things didn't escalate between that John Doe and I, yet I was letting fear creep in and take over. The quote I am basing this on sums it all up. How can you have faith and fear at the same time? Faith doesn't make things easy, however it does make all things possible. I may struggle with the feeling of being targeted, but with my faith put completely in God, I can lay those to rest and find total peace in him. My tough girl mentality cannot be based on my physical strength nor my own personal will...true power comes from above. I really can do ALL things through CHRIST who STRENGTHENS me, the vital part of that being through Christ. Without him, I can't face these battles. With him, I have a guaranteed victory! Fear takes way too much out of someone, and frankly, school work does that enough, I don't have time. There's not many issues in life that come with a simple answer, but luckily for me, this in one. My FAITH is in God. My HOPE is in God. He LOVES me unconditionally. Faith, hope, love. It's that simple. From here on out, as soon as fear rears it's ugly head, I will stand confidentially and know I am armed with the greatest weapon, faith.

God Bless.

Halfway to Heaven

One of my favorite country artists sings a song called 'Halfway to Heaven.' In it, he recaps a near death experience as a result of drinking and driving. The chorus sings "when you see life flash before your eyes, the good, the bad, the wrong, the right, fade into a bright white light, shining down on you, you're hangin' on by a thread, wondering which ones your last breath, knowing there's so much you have left to do, you live your life a better man, when you've been halfway to heaven." Now, I can't attest to ever being in a near fatal car accident like Brantley Gilbert, but I do share the same sort of experience as he does. I don't really talk about this incident too much, and I'm not sure even my close friends know, but looking back onto this night after listening to this song, really sparked something in me. Last winter I faced a multitude of health problems. Hospitalizations, wheelchairs, missing school...all that pales in comparison to this particular night, however. I had been having anaphilactic reactions to various foods and products. Pretty much everything ingested caused a serious reaction. On this November evening, I had just eaten one of the foods on the safe list, and was ready to head to bed. As I prepared to jump between the sheets, I felt my lips start tingling, a sure sign of a reaction. I felt "egg-funny" a term I coined as a child to express when I was having an episode. As these typical reactions go, it progressed to my tongue, then to my throat. I felt the severity of it and immediately look Benedryl...then followed up with my Epi-pen as the reaction had no sign of stopping. As it is custom, we had to go to the ER. At this point, my throat was beginning to constrict and breathing began to feel labored. I got into my mom's little gray Scion and she sped down the driveway. About a mile and a half into out trip, things took a turn for the worse. During these types of reactions, symptoms develop at rapid paces and minutes can make the difference. I remember my breathing feeling impossible. I was leaning against the car door, gasping for air. My mom was squeezing my hand saying hang in there Kaelee, hang in there. I heard her begin to pray aloud, asking the Lord to touch me. This whole ordeal became surreal. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it. I felt my throat closing completely, and air slipping away, one labored breath at a time. Now, I never knew what a true near death experience felt like..but let me tell you, it's crazy. I felt almost as though I was weightless. I remember my eyes closing, drifting off into unconscious state. I only remember glimpses of the drive from there to the meeting place of the ambulance. I had an overwhelming sense of peace, one in which has never been felt before. My life was coming to an end. This is a unbelievably strange feeling. I was fading away little by little. I felt as though I wasn't even in the car. I can't even explain it more than that. My mom was trying to talk to me, trying to get me to hang in there, but I can only recall brief moments of her audible voice. Like I said above, I felt at peace. I felt as though I was completely surrendered to the Lord. I was truly fading into the bright white light, not knowing which of these shallow breaths was my last.

Now, clearly I am still alive kicking...but that's only by God's great power. During that whole car ride from hell, my mom was praying like crazy! Before I lost the memory of some of that night, I remember my mother praying like the warrior in faith she is. Bless her heart, bless her faith, bless her hope in the power of Jesus Christ. I don't know if she, even to this day, realizes just what was happening in that car. Nonetheless, she never gave up! She held my hand, squeezing it, telling me to hang on, crying out to the Lord to save me. It's so awesome to know we serve that strong of a God. From a life slowly slipping away, to being brought back to consciousness, to being full of life today...everything is possible with him. The reason why I recalled this otherwise hard to talk about experience, is because that country song. It says you live your life a better man when you've been halfway to Heaven. I started thinking, why am I not doing that?! I have been halfway to Heaven and only by God's grace am I still here. Why am I not loving unconditionally? Why am I not reaching out to those less fortunate? Why am I not being as bold in faith as I could be? Why do I get caught up in material things? Why am I not out there living this crazy life to the fullest? After that night, I gained a clear understanding of just how precious life is, how it can be taken just like that. None of us know when our last day will be or even when our Savior will return to this Earth. All we know is that we have been blessed to live an incredible life, that we are called to witness to the lost, that we serve an almighty God. By God's grace we are saved. He died on that cross just to give us life. It's our duty to live for him. From selfless acts of kindness, to taking brave stands in faith, why not do it? There's nothing holding us back! Sometimes this world gets in the way, well actually a lot of the time it does. We need to be consumed with the Creator of everything, not just what is created. There's no set time of how long you and I will be here. Life is fragile. As saved believers, we have no fear in death, so I speak for a lot of us when I say whenever and however the Lord calls me home...I'm good with it. After being halfway to heaven, I realize that I oughta be living with no reservations, no fears, no doubts. From here on out, I'm making a vow to myself. I'm going to try darnedest to take advantage of every opportunity to help others, every chance to show kindness, and most importantly share the hope, love, and power of Jesus Christ with those who have yet to hear his name.

Hey Obama, this is the real kind of HOPE...

Any one who knows me at least a little, knows that I'm a realist. I'm not negative by any means, I just base everything on facts and common sense. For me, it's easy to look around at everything going on in this world and lose all faith in people. There's suicide bombers killing hundreds of military personnel and civilians, shameless rapers hurting countless women, reckless parents neglecting innocent children...bottom line, there's a lot of evil in our world, my friends. In all honesty, when I go out grocery shopping, my thoughts towards people are more of skepticism like 'gosh, you idiot, why do you have to be so irritating'...rather than of hope like 'that person is probably very nice and just under a lot of stress, just like me.' That being said, I had lost a certain degree of trust in humanity. Now, I know I serve an all powerful God who can change people, but I still let that small amount of pessimism and skepticism sneak into my mind. That stopped me from finding the good in people.

I'm going to switch gears and tell y'all about something that changed my way of thinking as stated above. Recently, I attended the memorial service of slain Washington State Patrol Trooper, Tony Radulescu. He was on a routine traffic stop and was shot in cold blood, thus resulting in his death. He was the type of guy that had a hugely positive outlook on life and was dedicated to protect and serve his community. Those negative thoughts crept into my mind as soon as I heard the tragic news. How could an outstanding human being like that be gunned down for NO reason? How could a couple drugged out pieces of crap be able to carry out such a despicable act? That is still a a mystery to me, however, my thoughts quickly changed as I saw the out pour of support, love, and hope from all walks of life. On that early Thursday morning, I got into my dad's patrol car along with a few other sheriff personnel. We drove to the meeting place to start the processional. We were right on time and as we arrived we were met with hundreds of patrol cars already lined up. As we pulled into our line, I looked around and saw deputies from numerous agencies. From way up north, to way down south, from rural areas and from large metropolitan ones...ALL these units were there to show support of one slain officer. These people, including our car full, had never even met Tony, yet were willing to give up valuable time to offer their respects for his tremendous service. The procession started a few hours later and about 1500 patrol cars took to the roads. One by one, cars and SUV's lit up like Christmas tress, paraded down the highway. From the beginning of the seven or so mile trip, people gathered on the sides of the road. Military personnel stood at attention, civilians crossed their hearts standing on sidewalks, and busy commuters paused their daily drives. As we traveled north on the closed off road, the southbound lane was filled with cars. That's normal right? What's not normal to see, especially in my realist mindset towards humanity, is to see people pulled off the road, just to salute the procession of a murdered officer. From soccer moms to truck drivers, business men to Fed-Ex workers, cars were pulled off on both sides of the road. People stood at attention for upwards of an hour, showcasing their respect and honor of Trooper Tony. Each overpass was crowned with emergency personnel, standing on firetrucks, waving flags. As we passed another small group of people who had paused their drive, a particular car caught my attention. It was an old, beat up, Buick, nothing special. What was special was the markings of Marine service on the back bumper. Outside that car stood a man, who at first glance looked down on his luck. No nice clothes, a rugged look, and a spirit of honor was all he had. He was standing tall beside his beat down car, American flag flying proudly in one hand, while the other saluted for the entire procession. This man probably never met Trooper Tony, but had enough respect for his service that he was willing to offer his time to proudly broadcast it. As this two hour procession wrapped up, we arrived at the center where the memorial was being held. It was filled with policemen and woman, their families, and community members. Rigorous tradition was followed for the service, tradition deep rooted in the the pride of WSP. People spoke, bagpipes were played, and tears shed. One particular speaker stood out to me however. Trooper Tony's best friend, a Romanian with a heavy accent, came up to the mic. With his sometimes hard to understand English, he spoke highly of Tony's character. He was "A trooper's trooper." He was a selfless man dedicated to protecting. As the speech was winding down, the man changed directions and spoke about not only his faith, but Tony's as well. Tony was saved a few years back and loved the Lord with all he had, stated the friend. As he continued with the kind words, he proudly told the audience Tony would want each and everyone of us to find the peace, love, and joy of Jesus Christ. Tony is now in heaven, living eternally, and the message of hope could not have been stated more clearly. Here was a man who had just lost his best friend, yet by the grace of God, had the strength to witness to the 2-3000 men and women within the auditorium.

The title of this post is 'Hey Obama, this is the real kind of HOPE,' and that's the pure, realist truth. It's not about the next big politician offering to swoop in to be our savior...we already a Savior far greater than anything this world can match. Real hope is found in men and women risking their lives daily whether it be military, fire, EMS, or police. Real hope is found in selfless individuals who hold honor and respect within their hearts. Real hope is found in those not ashamed to be bold in faith. These individuals, in teamwork with the Lord, put the faith into people. I was shown that day that not everyone is evil, that there are still good people in this world. My hope in people was re-found. Things look dim out there, yes. But we serve a God who has saved people dong his work, everyday changing some aspect of this fallen world. I realize that one police memorial and the out cry of support isn't going to change the whole world, but I can guarantee it changed more than just me that day. Maybe others who had lost hope in people had their eyes opened, or maybe someone struggling with this great loss felt the peace and joy of Jesus Christ for the first time. Needless to say,   brothers and sisters in Christ, let's hold fast to the hope God gives. Let's make it our mission to change this world, one small selfless act at a time. Proverbs 24:20 says for the evil of man has no future; the lamp of the wicked will be put out. This world is a sad place, but we know that we serve a greater God. Criminals and wrong-doers watch out, the men and women of law enforcement are on your six. God bless them and keep them.

It's gotta be more like..

Falling in love...something that happens every day in our world. Whether it be a woman falling in love with a man, or a daddy falling in love with his newborn daughter, it's a beautiful thing. Now I'd like to say that I've been in love many times. As a baby I fell in love with my dad, as a little girl with my first pony, and as a young woman with a boy. Each one of these loves has come with different types of feelings, benefits, and hurts. With my daddy, it's been feelings of admiration, security, and comfort. I've reaped benefits from the protection he has for me, but also experienced hurts from arguments or disagreements. With my pony, my feelings were more of trust and companionship. My Star was there to listen whenever I had a childhood problem, however that didn't stop him from hurting me by throwing me out of that saddle. As far as being in love with a boy, I had strong feelings of genuine love and passion. Being able to count on a significant other and have love shown to you on a regular basis is a wonderful thing. Hurts that come along with a love that ends however, are greater than measure. Now, in each of the given situations, I had ups and downs. It'd sure be nice to put all the awesome characteristics of these varying types of love together to create the ultimate love affair. Some of my greatest moments have been spent with my dad, pony, and boyfriends ...but I've also felt the greatest hurt with them as well. A girl just wants to feel safe, desired, treasured, appreciated, and loved. As I stated above, it would be so ideal to combine these types of worldly relationships, thus giving me the perfect one. Well, want to know a bit of good news, there's already that type of relationship out there, one that's better than anything this society can offer. Who's the lucky guy? Oh, just Jesus, you know, the Lord and Savior one. His love for each and every one of us is immeasurable. The safety and comfort that comes from being in a relationship with him is far superior to that of any man. I can make mistakes day after day, commit the worst sins, treat him as a low priority...his love never changes for me. He doesn't hold anything against me, doesn't bring up my past, doesn't lose hope for our future. I'm desired by him, the King. I am a treasure in his eyes no matter what outfit I'm wearing. If I get off track, lose my way, and forget to talk to him for a few days, I can call on him and pick right back up where I left off. He's always there for me. I fail daily, in all aspects of life. I can't even brag about my love for him cause that fails daily as well, however, I can brag about his love for me, cause it never fails. No matter what I'm facing, he'll hold my hand through it and is guaranteed to deliver me from it...according to his higher plan that is. There's no stronger love than that between God and his child. That's a fact. There's a Christian song sung by Jason Gray that says it all. He sings: 'It's gotta be more like falling in love, than something to believe in, more like losing my heart, than giving my allegiance.' To say you believe in God is one thing, to fall in love with his great presence, grace, and power is another. To simply state you're a follower and live according to 'Christian rules' doesn't do much, however giving your whole heart to the one who created it is a life-changer. Later in the song, it says 'Falling in love with Jesus made the change in me.' Personally, I say that calls for an AMEN! I can testify to that 100%, based on recent events even. Sure, I've held a degree of love for God my whole life, but it hasn't been until recently that I've taken the plunge, and fallen whole heatedly. There's been a marked difference in every aspect of my life since that day. I gave up trying to do things on my terms, and gave every bit of my heart to the Lord. From there, he changed everything. Feelings I thought could never be greater, suddenly became 10 times better. Fears I had about relationships were gone. The types of guys that I should be interested in were finally becoming evident. Falling in love with Jesus truly did make the change in me, and I look forward to that making a change in all my relationships from here on out. Any guy that comes along to steal that part of my heart and sweep me off my feet, will know that he's sharing it with the Lord. There's many types of love out there, and until I know the man that will fulfill the boyfriend-fiance-husband role, I'm grateful for the ULTIMATE love that my Lord and Savior gives me. 

Desired by the King

'Never let a man tell you you're not worth pursuing. For God became man, died & rose again just to pursue you. You are worth pursuing. You are beautiful. You are loved.'

This little phrase, in which I found on Pinterest, has really got me thinking lately. I've been thinking about guys, life, love, and relationships. I've been rollin' single for a few months now during which time I've learned a lot. In addition to learning more about myself, I have learned about the opposite sex. After being in a relationship for over a year, and close to a year before that one, I was not used to all the interest from guys. Now, I'm not saying I am the most attractive, cool, and desirable girl, but I have gained the attention of quite a few young men. By no means am I trying to sound conceited here, just talking about what life has thrown at me. I am definitely a fan of being in a relationship don't get me wrong, however being sought after by guys has been fun. As a woman, of course I crave attention from the opposite sex, so complaining about it wouldn't make much sense right? Well, I'm not complaining at all. However, I've realized a few things. They say guys are only after one thing. That's a bit of a stereotype, but it also has a bit of truth. Being called hot by a guy makes a girl feels great. I'll gladly admit to the fact that I like that. Being attractive, having a nice body, working what you got is always a goal for a gal. Obviously, positive affirmation from a guy it what we're all striving for..whether we admit it or not. Now this is where I start realizing a few things. I realized that attention from guys, fully based on appearance is pretty much worthless. Any guy can check you out, throw out a line, give you a an empty compliment...that's a normal thing. But not too many can make you feel beautiful while respecting you and noticing that little light of yours. I didn't really recognize my problem at the time, but now I can fully identify it. I've been caught up in being desired for worldly, shallow things. I was hooked on that feeling of being wanted for how I looked. (Again, not saying that my appearance is anything special.) Whether it be walking around in the grocery store, stopped at a gas station, or pictures on Facebook...I wanted to catch a guy's eye. For me, that proved I was doing something right. Because I wasn't used to this 'freedom' of being able to flirt and whatnot, this all of the sudden this attention made me feel great about myself...

I'm going to switch gears now. Clearly I was going for the wrong type of attention. Although the idea of being considered hot by a guy your age is seemingly harmless, it doesn't honor God at all. My mom always asks me this: even when what I'm doing isn't considered bad, she poses the the question of whether it honors God or not. Whether it adds to my relationship with him, or just keeps things the same. As a Christian, increasing my faith, building strength, and growing every day in my walk, is the goal. We're constantly faced with the concept of worldly  vs. God things. After talking to some guy about the same old stuff, you're hot, blah blah blah, you know the deal...I just took a step back. While yeah, knowing that a cute guy thinks my body is hot made me feel good for a minute, I asked myself, what happens after he gets over that, or sees someone with an even hotter one? Getting praise from these guys because I have curves is 100% skin deep, and frankly, a waste of time. No matter how tall, dark, and handsome a man is, he can never compare to the kind of desire the King has for me. God made me who I am, in his image. I don't know about you, but because he is the alpha and omega, beginning and end, created the earth, ya' know..it makes me feel fantastic that little old me was created in his awesome image. Y'all have probably seen devotionals, books, and shows about being a Proverbs 31 woman. For a Christian woman, this is where we find our standards. It wasn't until I stepped back and realized the problem with the attention I was getting, that I fully understood what being a Proverbs 31 woman was. There's so much value in Proverbs, but the most commonly used verse says beauty fades away, but a woman who serves the Lord is to be greatly praised. That says it all! Long legs and a few curves may catch a guys attention, but it's my love for God that will truly attract the kind of guy I want to be with. Beauty is fleeting, it simply doesn't last. Beauty deep rooted in faith, however, stands the test of time. In a society plagued with a woman's value being weighed on the tannest skin, whitest teeth, tiniest waist, and hottest clothes...it's a dang hard task to be yourself. For years I've not been comfortable in my own skin and I've chased that 'ideal' image. Obviously that was a fail. There's no way I can truly be something I'm not. It may last for a week, a month, maybe even a year..but there's NO point in hiding who you really are. God created each and every one of us in a unique, beautiful fashion. He makes no mistakes. I'm not that perfect 5'6" 120 pound female, I'm Kaelee. I'm tall, I'm different,and I love the Lord above all else. I refuse to be ordinary. This little light of faith inside me is far more valuable than anything this world has to offer me. Boys listen up, my Lord and Savior will always be number one in my heart. Period. End of story. One of my favorite quotes is "A woman should be so lost in God that a man has to seek him, in order to find her." Well, let the scavenger hunt begin because my heart is placed in the hands of God. My beauty comes from the quiet, graceful strength that can only be found in him. Outward beauty is important to me, of course I am going to try for it, but it's not the most important. Inward beauty is what I'm striving to be valued on. I'm holding myself to a standard of grace, not perfection. To be myself, not what this world wants to see. To be with the kind of guy that challenges my faith, not puts it on hold. There's a well known song that sings "let's give them something to talk about." Ladies, let's do it. Be radiant in faith and make them boys wonder about that little light that's shining within.

When you're down to nothing, God's up to something.

I can't say I've truly been down to nothing, but I have been through my fair share of times in which I felt like I was. If any of you have followed this blog, or even heard my testimony, y'all know 2011 was a year of struggle. Facing the diagnosis of two years of immobility and using walking aids posed a great threat to my future. Things were dim. But, as per usual, God delivered me from that awful sentence. Now, it sure would be nice that if after facing a struggle like that, overcoming it, then moving on, things would stay perfect...that is SO not a fact of life. Without going into great detail, I will say these last few months have tested my faith beyond belief. I have faced huge amounts of emotional and physical pain. Pain I figured I'd never encounter. My seemingly ideal plan for my life was slowly slipping away. Now I must say, at the time I felt like I was losing everything, but in all reality, God's plan was just unfolding. I had lost a relationship, a clear future, and basically all belief in myself. How in the world was this according to God's plan you may ask? Well, it took me a little while to figure that out myself. After feeling so broken, a down-turn in my health battle, and a sudden change of education...I found myself back in my small town. While yes, I do love it here, I never imagined being back so soon. There was my first mistake. I was baffled because MY plan wasn't working out. Little did I know GOD's plan was. During this challenging time, I saw struggles all around. From my new found friends facing hard, life-changing experiences to just seeing the pitfalls of college, I found myself facing one heck of a decision. Do I keep doing my thing, while I'm watching it crumble around me? Or do I surrender to the Lord, give him my life as a whole...hopes, dreams, and passions? Looking back, I'm saying to myself, "Why would you even question that decision?!" But in that time and place of course I wanted to stick to my plan. I thought I had drawn up a good one. After holding out for a bit longer, and having even more go wrong...I gave in. I was broken down to nothing. I cried out to God and little to my surprise, he answered me. Finding myself in a different school than I had planned, a different town that I had wanted, and different people than expected...I felt at peace. Seriously, for once in my life, I was, and still am feeling perfectly CONTENT. Content with my appearance, my friends, my relationships, my classes, my family, my home, my LORD. Hurts that I felt were non healable have been healed. Dreams that I thought were shattered are now gleaming with hope. Bridges that were burned are now mended. God did all this. All my life I've been taught that He has a plan for me, all my life I've trusted that. What I now realize is that I was trusting, but on my terms. I was saying I'll give you my all, God, if I can do it my way. If I can just get what I want. There's a little saying that goes "Want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans." Let's just say I gave him a good ol' chuckle, knee-slapper if you will. From that, the good Lord broke me down, then built me right back up...stronger, better, and way more on fire for him. Most importantly, living my life according to his plan. James 1:2-4 has always been on of my favorite verses, but through this I can finally understand what it's saying. It reads: "My brothers ans sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and have everything you need." Well, if that doesn't sum everything up, I don't know what else will. I've faced troubles from all sides. God has given me a spirit of joy in dealing with them. Patience? I'm learning each day. And as far as showing it goes, I'm trying my best. People can judge and speculate, but I know that I can handle it with grace and poise. God has given me EVERYTHING I could ever need. I'm a blank page, God's the writer, and I just can't wait to see what story unfolds. God Bless <3