When this world fails you, God saves you.

Phil Wickham sings a song called Cannons. The chorus goes like this "You are holy great and mighty, the moon and the stars declare who You are, I'm so unworthy, but still You love me, forever my heart will sing of how great You are." 


Have you ever woke up just feeling a bit off? A bit strange? A little empty? Well for me, that happened just recently. I woke up feeling alone and scared. For me, a self proclaimed tough girl, this is not a normal thing. I had a friend spend the night for a girls relaxation evening, so when I woke up, it wasn't like I really was alone. I looked around from my blanket bed on the floor and just had a weird feeling. I had a friend over, so that alone feeling wasn't it. I live on a college campus, so it's not like lack of people was the cause it either. I pondered for a second and opened my laptop. I randomly checked an email account that I rarely use, but is linked to KLove verses of the day. I logged in and started reading all the scriptures from previous days. I tell ya, when the Holy Spirit wants to get a hold of you, He sure does it in a almost creepy because it's so accurate way! Verse after verse spoke to me and totally opened my eyes. The very first verse was Psalm 97:11, 'Light shines on the godly,and joy on those whose hearts are right.' It was made VERY apparent why I had woke up with a longing, a hunger, an empty feeling. For weeks I have been struggling with balancing college life with my spiritual one. In a town where anything goes and right and wrong pretty much goes out the window, it's tough staying mentally strong and guarding your heart. There's been days where I feel I am stronger with the Lord than ever, then others where I feel I have fallen completely short. For me the issue wasn't that I didn't know the choices I should be making, it was acting on that. God grabbed a hold of me a few weeks ago and really put life in perspective, I was on fire for Him! I'm the type of person who doesn't show pain or struggle, who rather make everything seem ok on the surface and hurt as a result, than to admit to any weakness. This whole mentality transferred over to my spiritual life. I had strengthened my relationship with the Lord, but then shortly after wouldn't admit to the struggle I was facing. As I've said before, it does no good to perceive yourself as doing fine and being strong in faith, while struggling on the inside and feeling unworthy. In the song I quoted above, it says I'm so unworthy, but still you love me. For me, that just makes me feel awesome. I realized in a short, couple hours, that my heart wasn't right...like right for reals. My intentions have all been in the right place, but because I didn't face my weakness, I just glossed over it and never faced it. God uses so many different things to get our attention, and this time, he used a perfectly good morning, one that I should have woke up feeling awesome, and made me question what the missing link was. Stress from school, finals, life, friends, relationships, have put huge amounts of strain on me. In my broken down state, my emptiness, God found me and restored me. Philippians 4:6 says Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. I realize that I don't have to go around with a sign saying I'm weak, telling everyone I know, I more importantly have to tell God. I can thank him for health and safety, school and friends. I can give him glory for intervening the way he did. And I can FULLY trust him to deliver my from this valley, to get me through finals...whatever my issue, I know he has my back. To God be all the glory! 

I'm starting this post of with a verse in the Message translation:




So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. Romans 12:2 MSG

Now these past couple weeks at the University of Idaho have been pretty stressful. Schoolwork, exams, normal life things...everything was getting to me. Of course I know I should trust God completely, but actually doing it was a whole different matter. After a tough night of seemingly impossible homework, God came through for me once again. No shocker there huh? I could breathe a huge sigh of relief and all that was left to say was "Wow, thank you Lord!"

So where does tie into this verse? Well, we all get accustomed to living the way we want to, the convenient way. We take advantage of the little things that God does in our lives, even when we aren't giving Him much. I have been terribly guilty of this. This world that we live in does have some pretty fun, exciting, awesome stuff...but all of that doesn't compare to what God has for us. We tend to get into a routine of just going with the flow. My issue has been that I am a "strong Christian." My attitude is then "well if I do this one thing(whatever that may be) then I'm still fine cause I've already established my faith, I can just keep skating by with ok." That is ridiculous! God can't be our second option, the one we fall back on, our emergency break. Now granted He is always there for us when we sin, but that's not what I'm contending right now. I'm saying that we can't go out, live one way, then convince ourselves we are living another. Double-standards have no place here. This verse says offer everything to Him: work, school, eating, sleeping, walking around, everything! One aspect of our lives can't be right with him while we knowingly live another aspect the total opposite way. It also says don't become so well adjusted to your culture that you merely fit into it without even thinking. This means we can't just let the stuff we see everyday become acceptable. Whether it be bullying, wild partying abortions, cheating, or even discrimination, we can't just walk by it and say yeah, I know it's wrong, but hey it's a part of our society. This mentality is exactly what needs to change. Our projections of the perfect body, the perfect amount of money, or the perfect house must be torn down. No more letting this worldly crap get into our way of thinking. No more living one way, then acting another come Sunday morning. God is waiting for us to turn to Him fully so that He can lay out his awesome plans for us! I know I want to be more like Christ, and I know that He can change me! By simply giving up worldly stuff, stuff that won't last and really has no true meaning, I can shape my life to be one that others look up to. My goal from all this is that I can live in such a way that my peers can look at me and see my light shine and say I want what she has! God is simply waiting for us! How about giving up whatever is holding you back from fully committing to Him, and saying "I'm ready to give you EVERYTHING. I'm ready to stand up for what's morally right in this world and not simply accept it. I'm ready to see what awesome plans you have for my life and live them out in a way that witnesses to others!" To God be ALL the glory.

Give it all, always.

Since the last time I blogged a lot has happened. I think 'a lot' is actually a HUGE understatement. Ups and downs, heartache and happiness...basically I've experienced every emotion. Change has come about and certain things in my life have come and gone, but the one thing that has not changed is my God and his love for me. I have moved onto the next step in my life: college. I remember how I wanted to leave home so bad the last few months of high school and was going stir crazy. I was gung-ho about being on my own and independent. I was pumped. This is probably the time in story where you're expecting me to say I've become terribly homesick and hating being alone...but, I can enthusiastically say that's not the case. Sure I miss my amazing family and friends, but the transition to college life has been seemingly seamless. I have been enjoying my classes and having tons of fun. For the first time in my life, I was rolling solo, doing my thanggg, living it up in my opinion. All this sounds pretty great right? Well yeah, I can't deny that it's awesome, but something was missing in the midst of this. Now granted, I haven't been in Idaho for too long, but I've definitely been here long enough to reflect and look back on these last few weeks. Looking back and even looking at the present, things are incredibly great. Friends and nights out, interesting classes and manageable work have made this new life enjoyable. The thing is, I have no room to complain, but yet, I have had this weird sense of wanting more. No, not more fun, but something deeper. It's taken me a while to put my finger on just what that "thing" was. Jesus Christ has been my rock, my strength, my everything during this whole time, so that made figuring this missing link out even harder. After a summer leading a life a bit astray from the Lord, I have felt my relationship was back to normal, ok, average. This is where I realized my problem. There is an awesome Christian song where it says "To you I give my life, not just the parts I want to, to you I sacrifice these dreams that I hold on to." This small verse really got me thinking. I was giving my life for Christ, but just the parts that were convenient to me. The aspects that drew the least amount of attention, required the smallest sacrifice, and took the lowest amount of time to achieve. In my mind, I was just skating by, getting an average grade on my follower of Christ report card. You could say I had straight C's. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with C's, all I'm saying is that in this particular class, we are called to be so much more. 1 Peter 2:9 says "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." Besides the fact we are called to be courageous in faith, God himself picked us, set us apart, created us for this purpose. For me, this is an almost scary thing. I mean come on, I'm in college, there's already a lot of pressure on me, do I really need to push myself, be vulnerable, set up possible disappointments? The answer is yes, like heck yes! There was obviously something missing in my life, something that was keeping me from enjoying all that is around me to the fullest. After I finally discovered the lost piece to my puzzle, my outlook changed tremendously. Just recently I have felt a new spark in my relationship with the Lord, and new hunger to serve, and a passion to live for him. I say all this pretty confidently, but I will admit to my share of struggle. Every time I would, or do feel like I'm growing in the word, thoughts attack me; thoughts about not being good enough, having too much sin in my life, or simply just not measuring up in the grand scheme of things. These thoughts can be devastating, and trust me, I have let them get to me. Today in church we sang a great song. The part that really stuck out to me was this: You are holy great and mighty, the moon and the stars declare who You are, I'm so unworthy, but still You love me, forever my heart will sing of how great You are. Well, that makes a girl feel pretty goofy for believing the lies of inadequacy. My point here?  Live to the fullest. Enjoy everything that you're presented. But do it to the glory of God. Do nothing halfway. Give Him your all. Every burden or hurt, bad habit or addiction, every happy time or accomplishment, win or loss...He's got your back. When you surrender your all to him, and I mean really surrender no matter how tough or stubborn you are, it opens up the door for your life to be better than you have ever imagined. 

Real life miracles? I am a believer for sure!

So it's been a while since I have last blogged, and let me tell you, I have missed it dearly! Life get's crazy as so many of us know, and in my case...crazy has been a good thing! I have been battling a lot of medical problems for the past five months, and to be honest, it has been a tough road. I have faced doctors with no answers, medicines with severe side effects, and odds that seemed impossible. Throughout this whole journey, people have told me that I have the right to just throw my hands up and say "this is not fair, why me?" However, that just seemed so...sooo, well, unfair in itself. Yeah of course the situation was frustrating and dismal looking, but I knew I could hold onto three truths. --1) The Lord is my Rock. 2) He will never ever give me more than I can handle. 3) God has a hold of my life and everything that happens is according to His plan.-- After thinking about those facts, my problems didn't even seem so bad. If my God was for me, then who could ever stop me? If He was directing my paths according to His perfect plan, then what did I have to fear? If He leads me to something, then don't you know He will pull me through it? Talk about some reassurance! My goodness, that just makes a gal feel awfully good about her present circumstances. From crying out in the middle of the night in pain to laying in a MRI machine for  hours, I KNEW, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that God my God was holding me tight, protecting me, loving me, never letting me go. Now, I say all that pretty confidently, which of course I am, but I did have my fair share of struggles throughout. There was times in which the pain would try everything it could to get the best of me. I can remember when I would try to walk, and my legs just wouldn't work! Looking back onto all this now, I clearly remember one tough morning. I had been up all night with leg pain and when six o'clock rolled around I decided to get up. I rotated my body out of bed and put my feet on the floor. I couldn't feel it. I sat up and looked around, I couldn't see anything clearly. I gripped the edge of the bed and tried to stand, my body wouldn't let me. I desperately tried to take a step, my brain wouldn't connect. I felt so helpless. As I sat there on my bed, my eyes were blurred, there was a disconnect between my legs, spine, and brain, and I couldn't tell where my lower limbs were...I remembered the verse "This day belongs to the Lord! Let's celebrate and be glad today." Psalm 118:24. Right there, in my moment and despair and hurt, I chose to give that day to the Lord and cast all my anxieties on Him. (1 Peter 5:7) From that point forward I decided that everyday that I am given is a gift from the Lord, and again, according to his plan. Who am I to be "down in the dumps" because of what He has given me? Regardless if my day is filled with pain and suffering or fun and good health, it is His day, and it's my job to take it and have joy in my heart. It has been a very long road from that particular morning to now. The doctors had plainly stated to me that I would not walk normally for one to two years. I would have to deal with a severe handicap for a good long time. I have said before that I felt at peace with this diagnosis and that has held true this whole time. Again, truth number two, I knew the Lord wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. This whole deal seemed like more of a challenge, like let me show you what I got God! With that attitude in mind, I was determined to beat the odds. When I thought about my goal to beat the odds, I figured I would try for like six months from now...nothing even close to what God had in store for me! Little did I know that the Lord had a certifiable miracle in store for all this. To make a long story short, or shorter...I went through phases of walking with a walker, walking with a cane, or being in a wheelchair. I had high points, but then they would go back into the slump of immobility. One weekend I would be strolling around with my zebra print cane, then the next would consist of a cruise in my camo wheelchair. A little frustrating? Oh yes, I will fully admit to that. Totally discouraging however? No way, God still had my back. I had gained an even more clear realization that every day was a gift from above. I had learned the meaning of not taking a day for granted. I continued to go through those "up and down" periods for some time, until one day I felt like I had to courage to walk without my cane, to step out in faith. I remembering saying out loud: "Lord, I can't feel my legs, I really have no clue what I'm doing, but I feel like you have given me the strength to step out and challenge this head on. I feel a little silly right now, but I know you got my back G." From there I proceeded to put my cane down, take one step, then another, then another, until I was walking normally! I was like woahhhh baby, this is crazy! I AM WALKING! Now to really wrap things up here, I had gone onto scooping out horse stall, running on the treadmill, dancing around the house with my dog, really getting back into the swing of things! I have been walking normally now for about three weeks, and yes, I know that a relapse is possible, but I am hanging onto the hope that God has worked a miracle in me and is holding my hand through all this. I have been granted a discontinued physical therapy schedule and a closer to normal school routine. I have returned to working out and regained the strength to muck out the barn. I praise God for EVERYTHING He has done in my life. I praise Him for allowing me go through a life changing experience like this and learning from it. I can now honestly say I have witnessed a God-breathed miracle first hand! "IT DOES NOT BELONG TO US, LORD. THE GLORY BELONGS TO YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR LOVE AND LOYALTY." Psalm 115:1

Worldy Pain vs. Christ's Suffering...

It amazes how a simple quote can inspire me, or anyone for that matter, so much. I recently ran across this one on a Christian website: "If you had never known physical pain in your life, how could you appreciate the nail scarred hands with which Jesus Christ will meet you?"  Joni Tada. Those words really gave me perspective on things going on in my life. I have been experiencing a few setbacks these last few days in regards to my physical health. Walking has become increasingly harder, and to be honest, for the first time I got freaked about it. I don't really know how to explain it other than I feel a ‘disconnect’ from my brain to my legs...like I have no idea how to get the two to work together. Needless to say it's a weird feeling. Of course I know God's still in control of all this, but it's part of my human nature to be a little discouraged. In the midst of my minor 'pity party,' I was looking for verses or quotes to really inspire me. I scrolled through pages and pages of great quotes looking for one that stood out. Guess what? The Lord knew exactly how to get my attention. The words I quoted above did just that. I kind of felt ridiculous for feeling down about my circumstances after reading the quote. For goodness sake, I can't even fathom the pain that Jesus went through; the pain that endured for ME! Talk about reality check. Christ died for my sins. His nail scarred hands, His head adorned with thorns, His body hanging on the cross...sound gruesome? Yeah well, it was. He did all that for us...sinners completely not worthy of it. Now, I'm not saying that our worldly pains, our physical down turns, aren't hard to deal with...because they are. I'll be the first one to admit that. Another thing I'll jump right up (not literally, haha) to admit is that anything is possible with Christ on our side. He is the original 'superman.' He endured the unspeakable, died, and then rose again. That in itself proves that whatever we are up against in this life, God can overcome it. I know that I'll have plenty of pain, suffering, setbacks, and discouragements...all that is part of the world we live in. I'm not trying to be someone who lives in a fantasy world where I deny those facts. What I am doing is boldly stating that God, my God, is bigger than ALL that. His power far outweighs my weakness, His love is stronger than my sadness, and His joy is fully renewed in me every single day I choose to accept it. Romans 8:31 says “What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”

God's plans: His timing, His design, His will

So this time last year, I was a junior in high school, looking into colleges, making 'my' plan for the future. I had decided I wanted to go to a small Christian school, major in criminal justice, and be closer to home. You see, at the time, I thought the only way I could further my walk with Christ and stay strong while in college was to go to a school like the one I mentioned above. I had always wanted to go to a prominent state school, but figured I'd have to forgo that because lack of 'structure' there. For the next few months I searched and searched for Christian schools that had my chosen major, a much harder task than you would imagine. I finally found one that hit most of the checks on my list. From that point on till the end of the summer I was gung-ho on pursuing 'my' plan. I had it all figured out in my mind. It seemed perfect, absolutely ideal. The way I figured it was that attending a school like this would ensure "spiritual success." I would be surrounded by people that shared the same views in faith as I, and thus I wouldn't have so much pressure for typical college behavior. Now before I continue, I'd like to make it clear that I fully support Christian schools and see so so so much value in them, it's just this story is about God's plan for me...which at the time I didn't believe it excluded an AG school. Anyway, as this story unfolds, I expanded my views that summer. I hung out with a fine young man and we proceeded to talk about college. I had shared my plan, a seemingly solid one, and he of course thought it was a good one. He talked about his college and also some other 4 year universities. I left that 'date' with the same college plan, but decided to explore some other schools just for the fun of it. I once again found a Christian school that seemed awesome! I couldn't believe I had discovered another college that fit my precise expectations. These so called expectations seemed perfect on the surface, but to be honest, I was struggling with accepting this plan. It seems rather dumb for me to have doubts about such fantastic choices...but I did. I knew this type of college would help considerably with keeping my faith strengthened, but I kept asking myself, "Where is the challenge? How can I reach the untouchable students who have gotten caught up in the college scene?" God kept drawing my attention back to those thoughts. Honestly, I denied that 'calling.' I instead kept trying to convince myself that my plan would be a sure fire success. Of course the Lord didn't cram this down my throat, instead He allowed me to freely decide. I had one totally mind changing experience during this course of time. My parents and I visited two state schools with very contrasting sizes. I enjoyed touring both, but the smaller one had a much better feel. That Sunday we visited a church in town, one that my mom had found online. This church, you see, was the congregation that Chi Alpha attended. Chi Alpha is a campus ministry outreach program that is doing wonders throughout universities. I had been in contact with the leaders of this group earlier that month and had grown a huge interest in pursing my participation in the ministry. We were welcomed very warmly into this modern looking church building, a great way to start off a Sunday morning. My mom went down stairs to their fellowship hall before the service started and had apparently ran into Chi Alpha's leaders. She then proceeded to send them upstairs to meet with me. Little did I know this was the couple I had been communicating with previously. They were both awesome to chat with. One of the leaders shared the story of how she was convinced she needed to go to a Christian school, just like me, but was lead to an opened up point of view. She had visited a state school in which she loved, one that met all her qualifications. While meeting with a music professor, he sensed her apprehension. He asked her what was holding her back from attending this school. She told Him her dilemma with it not being Christian based. Now this is where my whole train of thought changed! She told me exactly how he answered her problem. He said, "If Christians only went to Christian schools, then who would be at state schools to witness to the others?' Wow. I could not believe my ears. This was exactly how I was feeling, the concept God kept trying to reveal to me. I seriously felt a sense of peace...like all of the sudden I knew what plan I needed to pursue, the one God was calling me on. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders as I heard testimony from  a great woman of Christ and simply decided to follow God's plan. The feeling was surreal. I felt like I actually KNEW what I was doing, not that I was crazy for passing up that other 'perfect' plan. I know that choosing to attend a state school would open up all kinds of doors, both good and bad. Temptations yet opportunities, dangers but a chance to make a difference...THIS is the plan I know I should be on. I spent so long finding that absolutely perfect, people pleasing plan, when in reality, God had a completely different one set out for me. I just keep thinking, if simply choosing to follow the Lord's plan gives me this much peace, then how much joy am I in-store for once I actually can fulfill it. If you're doubting God's plan for you, or a calling you're not sure about, remember this: "I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future." Jeremiah 29:11

Got Miracles?

Well, wow, today was AH-MAY-ZING! I have been struggling for months and months with this illness with little to no progress. About a week ago, we received the answer to all this; which was a huge answer to prayer of course. My doctor delivered some tough news to me however. He said this was a life altering problem, a long long road to recovery. He went on to inform me that all my usual activities such as riding horses or driving, would be off limits for quite a long time. Due to the extremely slow rate of nerve regrowth, I wouldn't be able to walk normally for one to two years. This news smacked me square in the face. Wow, I was facing some tough odds. I knew that the diagnosis was according to God's plan, and that in itself gave me great peace. I was set on trusting Him and changing up the statistics. Before this diagnosis came to be, I had traveled to a healing room where some church elders prayed over me. God really spoke to me then, more clearly than ever. He basically told me that this was going to be a long process, no quick fixes, but regardless of that, He would deliver me. From that point on I knew that the best thing I could do was trust Him with everything I had: the pain, the hurt, and the frustration. A lot of thinking went on throughout this whole process. I knew I was set on beating the odds, but in my mind, beating them seemed more like 6 months from now...which would still be remarkable. This past week was filled with a lot of hurt. The so called 'winning ticket' medicine was not kicking in, and walking became significantly harder. I was doing everything I could to keep my chin up and trust Him, yet still frustrated. At one point I was awake in the middle of the night, in major pain, tears flowing, and crying out to God to just do a miracle in this situation. Little did I know that that miracle I was so desperate for was so close. Because I have no feeling from about the knees down, we haD been exploring types of massage to help with circulation. I decided getting a relaxing pedicure would do the trick quite well. I was with my dad at the time, just pulling into the nail salon parking lot. My dad opened the car door, and as per usual, went to get me zebra print walker. I opened my door fully expecting to use the walker to help me stand up. All of the sudden I felt really brave...confident in my God, and confident in my strength. I stood up proudly, slightly wobbling on the curb. I took a step, not knowing where my feet were due to the lack of feeling. I proceeded to take another, then another, and soon enough I was walking on my own. My dad stood back, stunned that after weeks of no walking, I was actually doing it. I strolled into the nail place absolutely amazed with what I was doing. I had no idea where my feet were going, but somehow my brain was telling my legs how to do it. This was the most surreal feeling I had ever experienced. I was doing something that was legitimately impossible, medically unfeasible. When I say 'I was doing it', I really mean God was working in me, giving me the power to do such an insurmountable act. At that moment, filled with the vigor of Christ, I was in pure amazement. This wasn't supposed to happen, I wasn't supposed to be walking...but God, my God, creator of everything, reached down and worked a miracle in me. This was a pure and simple act of Christ. Nothing could, or can, dispute this. Reflecting back onto today's remarkable progress, I find myself overwhelmed with tears of joy. To travel on such a long journey, not making much progress for weeks on end really took its toll on my body. I say this because my body is only a worldly thing. What really matters is my faith...and let me tell you, this has not taken its tax on that. It's actually done the complete opposite, turned a 180 degree turn. My life has been forever changed, and not in the way the doctors had predicted. I know I am not out of the woods yet, there are still things to be dealt with, but this is life and things are never perfect. I know that my God is perfect however and His perfect plans are with me every step of the way. I have always believed in miracles even without witnessing first hand accounts. But today, I stand here in the power of Christ, saying whole heartedly that God works miracles in strange ways and definitely not according to our time frame. I am still in total awe that I can walk, and I know that it's only because God's power and His people praying. Matthew 19:26 says, Jesus looked at them and said, “For people this is impossible, but for God all things are possible.”
I've said it before, but this time it has an even deeper meaning...TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY!