All of me.

For the longest time, I've tried writing a new post, but for the longest time, I've come up blank. Whenever I write, it's typically based on something recent, and I typically type it up late at night. Well, it's just about 10pm and what do you know, a a couple little lyrics have caught my attention. I've been hearing the song 'All of Me' by Matt Hammitt on KLove radio recently. At first, I kinda just shrugged it off and thought to myself, oh brother, it's just another whiny toned, Christian song that is going to be over played. After hearing it a half-dozen times or so, I looked up the lyrics because they had really caught my attention. In the chorus, he sings, "You're gonna have all of me, cause you're worth every falling tear, you're worth facing every fear, you're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough, enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me is where I'll start." On top of being catchy, those are some SUPER powerful words. I've had a rough time recently, just getting bogged down in the troubles of this world has really taken it's toll. I've been struggling with fighting my own perfectionism tendencies, struggling within personal relationships, and struggling with hurts from the past year that keep trying to get me down. I'll admit it, I've also ebbed and flowed in the strength of my faith. With everything going on, all of the stress of everyday life, I had gotten caught up in me and my issues. While yes, I have been raised in such a way that thinking God is always there for me is normal, I haven't necessarily been acting on it. Doing things my way has been my strategy the last few months. In my mind, I could give God a little bit of my life, a little bit of my time, a little bit of my trust, and I could handle the rest. Pretty stupid huh? Well, that's obviously the reason why resolving issues hasn't happened. Now listen, I'm all about being real, and this here it is; as some of you know, always being labeled as that "Christian" the one who goes to church, the one who has it all together, can get tiring. This is what had happened to me. I was acting out all the right things, but in my heart, it was a whole other story. I couldn't possibly risk seeming weak and admit that I was struggling. Instead, what I did was put on an act. Instead of getting right with God myself, I felt like I could just put my relationship on the back burner and  just help others with their's. Clearly I was avoiding my issues. Now, I'm not saying that I just ran away from God and said forget it, what I am saying is that I was only giving about 50%. This is why this song stuck out to me. For my whole life, I've battled the idea of being perfect. Even though I know perfection can't be achieved in this world, I still have always tried. Whether it be waking up in the morning and looking in the mirror, or getting an A- instead of a solid A, I have always seen my faults. With this being said, I applied the same mentality to my faith. I figured that because I've been the one to typically have it altogether in this regard, I could not come to God all broken down, and hurt. Again, absolutely stupid huh? I told myself, how about you get all your stuff in check first Kaelee, then get strong in faith. This is where the tables turned. I put my worldly problems before my faith, instead of putting faith first and letting God take care of them for me. He is there for us always, but especially when we're down in the mouth. I'm not quite sure why I let this fact get clouded up in my head, but hearing this song made me take a step back and realize just how ridiculous I was being. God doesn't ask for the perfect person, nor does he turn away people who are hurt. It's quite the opposite. When you come to God and cast all your anxieties on Him, the opportunity for great miracles arises. Jesus walked with the lepers, reached out to the low life tax collectors, and took time for children. He didn't look for the most wealthy, the best looking, or the ones who had it all together. He fills the gaps that this world leaves in our lives. I was trying to do that myself, then come to Him with a 'look how good I'm doing' attitude. Instead, he did a work in me and now I've come to him with a 'look how much good you're doing in my life' attitude. In the song mentioned above, he sings about how giving it all to God is worth every tear and worth facing every fear. This was huge to me. I was so scared to admit that I didn't have it all together, and that I was struggling with some TOUGH things. Feeling vulnerable just isn't my thing, so finally giving my problems to the Lord and trusting him completely has been quite the task. Every tear I've cried while in bed in the privacy of my room has been felt by my God. Before, those tears were just tears. Now I realize fully that I will have problems and I will have tears, the difference being I can trust God 100% that He has my back and will comfort me. The lyrics of the song also say you're going to have all my love, even if it's not enough. Well golly, isn't that just perfect for my dumb thinking lately? My love will never be perfect, and it's a lost cause trying to achieve that. However, you can bet your boots that all my love will be given to my God, all my flawed love is His. In those flaws is where the Lord's mighty work will be seen. So, like Matt Hammitt sings, giving You all of me is where I'll start. I'm not perfect, my faith isn't perfect, but my God is. In my weakness is where his perfect love will show. In my pain, his comfort will be evident. In my struggles, his strength will be boldly displayed. Even when I fail, which will happen on the daily, I have given ALL of me to the Lord. I'm an imperfect person loved by a perfect God, and that's something to wake up thankful for every single day.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power in made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9


To God be all the glory!