The Word Ok.

Well hello there blog that I have neglected for months, how are ya? Probably better than me! Just kidding...well kind of.

It has been a while since I have been on my blog, and just as it happens every time, one small thought sparks a spontaneous posting. Tonight, it's nothing grand. Tonight it's simply not being ok. Now I know how that sounds, pretty negative right? Well, I don't mean it in a whole life sense, I mean it in a here and now thought way. As I mindlessly scroll through Facebook, unable to sleep tonight, thoughts keep rushing through my head. (probably part of the reason I can't sleep!) Isn't it weird how at the end of the day, when you should be the most tired, somehow all those thoughts that you were too busy to acknowledge during the day creep into your head and suddenly you're wide awake? Then it's just you and them...everything you're mad at, sad about, or frustrated with, takes over. Awkward. You don't know whether to face them head on, expressing that anger, heroically throwing a book off the night stand as if you're showing those thought's who's boss, or crying out as quietly as you can, just trying to cope. (either one will probably result in waking my husband...or at least one dog!) It's a serious dilemma. When you're in that moment, where it seems as though you just can't shake that negativity, you have a choice. Now, in no way, shape, or form, am I claiming to be the brave one who steps out, full of faith, saying "you don't have a hold on me, thoughts!" That's actually the point of this post. We get caught up in a idealistic Christian world. This is a world where everyone is just fine and dandy. There's no depression, there's no continuing hurt, there's no money problems, no relationship problems...and everyone is dressed to the nine's in church apparel come Sunday morning. Sorry to break it to you folks, but that world doesn't exist. People work their butt's off trying to achieve this image, trying to maintain that perfect, quiet, quaint little Christian life. There's nothing wrong with  striving for that type of life, however being under the delusion that that's the only way God (and your fellow church-goers) will accept you is bologna! Ok, ok, I'm sounded a bit preachy right now...how about I break it down in a real life way.
Depression. Yeah, you heard of it? Let me guess, you've just heard negative things associated with it. I bet if you walked into quite a few churches and wore a name tag that says "depressed" in that name box, then you'd get some funny looks, and some comments muttered about you as you took your seat. Doctors don't look at your chart and your labeled ailment, then judge you for it. Nor do they mock you or refuse to treat you. Why do Christians do it then? When someone who is suffering, from depression or otherwise, comes into a church, they are looking for healing. Often times what they get is judgement and a 'cookie-cutter' response to what they're going through. They can sense the lack of sincerity and the lesser than attitude they receive...which I feel is a contributor to why people are detoured from attending. One of the first things I heard Pastor John say at Living Hope Church was this is a hospital for all those who are hurting, all those who are broken, you don't have to be 'ok' to go to church. Wow, just wow.
I'm going to hold that thought and explain one thing. Typically when I blog, it's about something that is happening at the present time, but something I am overcoming or in control of. This time it's much different. I come to you as a broken human being, as someone who isn't preaching at you, but rather writing about things I notice on this journey of healing. For the first time in my life, I can say I'm not just 'fine.' As I reflect on past trials, I see that I struggled, but I was ok. When I said I was 'just fine' then, there was a considerable amount of truth. I was broken, yes, but for the most part I felt control. I felt as though my circumstances were tough, but ultimately I really was fine. Now, however, as I stare a degree of real life depression in the face, it scares me. I ALWAYS know there is hope, but this time it seems as though there is no control. I'm in a frustrating medical battle in which it seems no answers are available. I struggle with PTSD. Our bills seem to pile up right when it feels like we're ahead. I'm still picking up the pieces of my dad's unexpected suicide, and struggling with the fact that I should be fine after a year. Wait, did I just write that? That "I should be fine?" See, that's my very point. Who sets a time limit on when we have to be ok or not? It's not about that at all, it's about seeking healing. This comes full circle with what I was talking about previously. If there's some magical time frame of when you have to be ok corresponding with what tragedy just hit, then boy oh boy, I am definitely out of luck! A church is a hospital. A place for the broken to be healed. This should take place on God's watch, not yours, not theirs. As I struggle with this very stuff I'm talking about, I'm telling myself over and over again that I don't have to be ok. Now, it doesn't mean you or I get off without having to do anything. What we must, must, must do is to always have hope, always remain faithful, and always trust the Lord. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says "Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances.." Obviously easier said than done...I'm living proof of that! Everyday I question when I will snap out of this fog, when really I should be praying for God's healing and his hand on my life. I should stop worrying, stop doubting, stop panicking. I should no longer be angry, nor let sadness take over. But, what have I been saying for these past few paragraphs? I don't have to be ok! If I stopped all those things, I'd be perfect. I wouldn't have a care in the world. LOL @ whoever thinks that's real life. If you're seeking God faithfully and diligently, then cool, here's your award...you're trying! And that matters big time! Perfection isn't real, but the desire to be healed most definitely is.
Even in the midst of this fog I'm in, I am thankful for God's many blessings. I have a beyond wonderful husband, a lovely home, an amazing family, furry animals that are there whenever I need a cuddle, and I wake up every morning breathing!
I am far, far from where I feel I should be...but again, there's no set time...it's all on God's watch. As I faithfully trust God, and believe in that hope of being healed one day, I will have shaky moments. I'll be on my game one day, off of it another. Good thing my Heavenly Father is the greatest healer, the greatest listener, and a patient friend.

For tonight, I leave you with this verse (which had mysteriously perfect timing as K-Love's verse of the day)...'Don't sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.
Psalm 4:4-5

God bless.

I Shall Believe.

Sadness, anger, disbelief, memories. This cycle repeats in my head day after day, all day. I find myself having to hide it. Rationalizing in my head that I should 'just be over this.' I'm at this point; the point where everyone else has moved on with their lives, but I'm still here, I'm still hurting. No, I don't believe I'm weak, however those little whispers go through my head daily, 'just get over yourself,' 'you should be fine,' 'it's been months,' 'you're a pansy if you're still struggling.' I do have to add though, I'm so thankful for my much wiser fiance you quickly shuts those thoughts down when I'm doubting. Anyway, his is going to sound bad, but when all this death stuff was recent, it was easier to be strong. Now that the dust has settled and life has moved on, it's harder. I feel like there's this bus called life and I'm constantly running behind it trying to catch it, trying to catch up. Everything is different now. To be honest with you, I've let all this get to me this past week. Whether it be crying early in the morning, trying to keep it together around people, or sleepless nights where I just feel sad, I've been a little bit of a mess recently. Today however, as I got out of the shower and brushed my hair to the side, I caught the glimpse of my most recent ink addition. There, on the left side of my neck, right below the hairline are the words 'Only God.' I often forget I have that tattoo being as it's hidden most of the time. Ironically, I forget that I have 'Only God' and just as the hair covers the ink, life problems cover my faith. Have you ever felt, well, almost dumb? Like God gotcha' this time? That was me this morning. I kind of thought to myself, all this time you've been struggling so badly and the answer was so plainly there. I mentioned the song I Shall Believe by Matt Brouwer in my last posting. This song was the song I listened to as I made that dreaded drive back to Grays River after hearing the news about my Dad. Every lyric is great, however, one stuck out to me this morning as I made my Starbucks run. He sings, 'I'm broken in two, and I know that you're onto me, that I only come home, when I'm so all alone, but I do believe.' Seriously, God is so good at getting through to me, it's almost creepy how spot on it is EVERY time! Ha! This line of the song is what I've been living this past week or so. I've been broken, and I've turned to God as more of a last ditch effort rather than a constant source of strength. Oh, but the Lord wasn't done yet, my attention was caught even more as the song went on. It continues by saying, 'That not everything is gonna be the way you think it oughta be, it seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me, please say honestly you won't give up on me, and I shall believe.' Well, there we go again, caught in the act. As much as I don't want to admit it, I've tried to handle everything on my own. I don't mean I shut out God and his plans, no, no, no, not even a little. What I do mean is that when I'm in the middle of a sleepless night, I've tried to deal with it. When people are around and it takes all of me to try and not break down, I've relied on exactly that, all of ME. Only God, the biggest theme of my life, my driving force, my motto. Not only is that phrase those three things, it's also a reality that has been proven. God didn't turn his back on my because I was trying to handle things on my own. He rather stayed on my side and had my back at all times, even when I didn't ask for it. Looking back on these last couple weeks, I've had some big stress issues and some life changing decisions. Yeah, they've been tough, still are, but I don't even want to imagine how much harder all that would have been without God. Like the song says, He's been onto me with this whole turning to him in desperation thing. But you know what? That's why he's there. Some people argue that you can't just ebb and flow to and from God. Which while yes, that's not what is ideal or even right, it happens. The biggest misconception is that God gets mad at you and often times that's people's lame excuse for not going back to him. God is always there with you. He wants your problems. I've tried to hide mine from everyone including him, and clearly, I've realized that's ridiculous. Whether you've been 'absent' from the whole God thing and afraid to go back, or like me, you've been so caught up with dealing with life and trying to keep that perfect appearance, you've neglected God's help a little...He's waiting for you. That's the pure and simple fact. Let go of the control. Finances? Yeah, they're one of my main concerns. Job hunting? It brings a lot of stress. Grieving? Ouch, it really does hurt. Relationships? They sure can be tough. What do all those have in common though? God's perfect plan in ALL aspects of your life. Easily one of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11 in the New Century Version: "I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future." That says it all folks. Worrying is a senseless act, unless you're trying to tackle everything on your own. Just give it up. God's plans are far greater than anything you could imagine. Even though I go through that cycle of sadness, anger, disbelief, and memories, I know that ultimately God is providing me with a great hope. The Lord, my rock and my strength, is turning this MESS into a message and this TEST into a testimony.

It's ONLY GOD.

Is this real life?

My friend Chelsea and I often say the expression "is this real life?" in unexpected situations, whether good, bad, or indifferent. Lately, I've found myself repeating this over and over again in my head. October 23rd. A day in which no one could have foreseen what would happen. As I made my way back from grocery shopping, I returned to my apartment and sat down to write a paper. I was successfully procrastinating on doing so when I got a phone call from my grandma. My NFL ringtone sounded and I picked up. She asked if I was home and said they'd be there in a few minutes. Quickly I ran out into the living room and told my roommate we should probably clean up a little. I figured they were just stopping by to see the place, but jokingly said aloud 'hope they aren't hear to break some bad news.' I typically enjoy being right, but in this case, I would have given anything to be wrong. I greeted them at the door and quickly picked up on a solemn tone. My grandma said to me 'I'm going to have to tell you the hardest news of your life, we better sit down.' Thoughts were racing through my head as we proceed to the couch. She grabbed my hands, looked up at me, and with a shaky voice said 'your dad is gone.' The only thing I could say was 'what?' I didn't know what was happening. I kept repeating the same word, but the confusion continued. She explained to me that he had shot himself that evening and my heart sank...it sank to the lowest place it had ever been. My immediate thought was to call my go to guy, my boyfriend. As I locked my self in the bathroom, I dropped to the floor in tears. As I dialed his number, my head was spinning. He answered and in a sobbing voice I said my 'my dad, he's gone!' He obviously couldn't understand what I was saying through the crying. I dropped the phone in udder shock to the words I had just muttered. He called me back immediately and I tried to explain what was going on. We both were freaking out to say the least. I told him I loved him and his comforting voice said the same words back to me. In that moment, he became my rock even more so. At the same time, my mom had called another phone, and I went to go answer that. In sheer disbelief, I held the most unwanted conversation, a conservation about the circumstances leading up to this awful news. I was hurting not only for myself, but mostly for my mom. I agreed to come home that night and also, very unwillingly I might add, agreed to have my uncle drive my truck back. During that forty-five minute drive, I played the song 'I Shall Belief' over and over again. Even in that moment of raw sadness, anger, confusion, and hurt...it felt as though God was holding me. We made our way to my driveway and as my loud diesel truck roared up the hill, I saw countless cars backed all the way down the road and was soon met with tons of police vehicles gathered around the shop. This was crazy. I didn't know if I wanted to punch everyone in the face, run away from this scene, or just cry. In this mix of crazy emotions, people were the last thing I wanted to deal with. All I wanted was my horse and dog. In a brief confrontation with an out of county officer who wouldn't allow me to go out to the horse stalls, I'm pretty sure I threatened him. Ooops. Not sorry about that. Anyway, I successfully won that little argument and went out to see Fanny. Usually a mean old horse, she was sweet and lowered her head into my arms. I calmed down a bit and fed her some grain. With a little bit of steam blown off, I went back into the house. Of course people were all over trying to console me, but really, it just made it worse. I just kept thinking 'is this real life?' In my head...well..nothing was clear..I had no idea what to do or think. The crazy thing is that even in that great confusion when nothing made sense, God did. I talked again to Michael and his loving words made the difference. He calmed me down and assured me that he would be there as soon as possible. Again, I emerged from my room and faced the people in the house. Dwindling down to just family, the situation became a lot more manageable. Instead of wanting to throw down on everyone, I begin to accept the love and support from those closest to me. The feeling in the house was surreal. I didn't sleep that night, but instead clung to a cross necklace that was my dad's. Ironically, I was clinging to God and that silver chain was almost a symbol of that. That night, everything was raw. Raw thoughts, raw emotions, raw feelings. I wasn't processing anything. God's love and strength never left me however. It would have been real easy to set the tone of 'why God, why?' and just run from him, but I am ever thankful that my initial reaction was the complete opposite. Even in a house full of people I felt alone, and turning to God was what I was left with. It was a make or break decision. In the midst of death, I had living hope.

We Have a Living Hope

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. In God’s great mercy he has caused us to be born again into a living hope, because Jesus Christ rose from the dead. Now we hope for the blessings God has for his children. These blessings, which cannot be destroyed or be spoiled or lose their beauty, are kept in heaven for you. God’s power protects you through your faith until salvation is shown to you at the end of time.1 Peter 1:3-5

Living, defined as an adjective, means having life and being full of it also. Hope, defined as a noun, means a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment. Put the two together and what do you get? A belief in fulfillment that is full of life. As believers, this is ours. The church that my parents attended, and that I then switched to, is appropriately named Living Hope Church. This attitude of belief in fulfillment couldn't be better demonstrated than it is there. My dad, having a simple faith, loved the Lord above all else. He believed it was a about a relationship, rather than religion. He didn't complicate it. He didn't judge. He didn't exclude. Living hope, both the church and the belief, do the same. Having a living hope isn't about all the 'rights' you do in a day, it's about believing in our Savior and not wavering in the trust of his ever present faith, hope, and love. Even when your life is full of 'wrongs,' you are not far away from having a living hope. My dad is dead, fact. My hope is alive, fact. It's crazy to me that even in this time of great loss, I have never felt more fulfilled. Of course that doesn't mean things aren't hard... because heck no they are! It just means that the Lord is in control and he blesses those who love and trust him. I'm not trying to tell a sob story or anything, I just want to show how great our God is. In the last three years, I have faced the three hardest things of my life. I was told I wouldn't walk for a minimum of two years, I fell victim to a traumatic incident and was diagnosed with PTSD, and now I've lost my dad and best friend. Do I want pity? No way. All I want is to show that God puts back together the broken pieces with the living hope that we are blessed with. I'm not the strongest, in fact, I'm quite weak. On my own, my strength is useless. Sure, maybe I can stack some hay or bench a little weight, but other than that, I'm a pansy. It's ONLY through GOD that I am strong. I have tattooed on me, Only God, because it's true. Without him, I'd be lost. Without a living hope, I'd be depressed. I've talked to so many people in their efforts to extend their condolences, and the saddest thing has been seeing those without a faith and the despair that is so evident. It's now more than ever so true: when you're down to nothing, God is up to something. I encourage everyone to pursue God. Don't pursue religion, pursue faith.

Death present, but I'm clinging the the living hope that is mine. Inside me is a weak heart, but behind it a strong God. It's ONLY GOD, people, it's only him.

Sometimes, you just want to punch someone in the face.

Punching someone in the face. Maybe it's not proper, nor socially acceptable, but sometimes you just really want to do it. You know you've been here; life has thrown it's greatest curve-ball, fastball, screwball, and foul ball....all in the same inning, and you already have two outs. To put it simply, life at the moment sucks and you're beyond over it. Yeah, now you know what I'm talking about. Well, I can swear to being there now myself. In high school, during basketball season, if I came home from a particularly stressful day and wanted to punch something, I would go for a run. Not only would it get that blood flowing, stress perspiring, and give me a chance to cool down (not literally,) it would help to get into better shape for ball. Overall, it was a great way to blow off much needed steam. Afterward, I'd be sweaty, tired, and ready for a shower..but feeling much more relaxed and accomplished. These days jogging is more of a chore, something that has to be squeezed into my busy schedule. What if there was a jogging route that we could take that, as my basketball workout did,  benefited us in every aspect of life. Well, I found one. Hebrews 12:1 says 'Let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.' This race, while yes, requires hard work and determination, doesn't make you sweat as much as regular ol' jogging...well at least not literal hot, sweaty sweat. haha. We may sweat, but more in a metaphorical sense. Anyway, this race set before yields the greatest prize. Trophies are cool, medals are awesome, but how would you feel when eternal life was granted to you after you crossed that finish line? When running this race, we'll encounter hurdles, just like in track and field. These hurdles, however, will challenge you in a different way. Maybe it really is fighting the urge to punch someone in the face, or more likely, maybe it's forgiving someone regardless of what they did to you. Either way, this race isn't an easy one. What it is, however, is a worthwhile one! That crown of glory is looking pretty good to me. Just like an athlete conditions for his race,we must do the same for ours. Often times, above the locker room door, a motivational poster is tacked up. Before you head out of your "locker room" or more realistically your front door in the morning, remember this, 'Let all that I am praise the Lord..' Psalm 103:2. The next time I'm frustrated and have the undeniable urge to punch someone in the face, I will go run. I will increase my speed on the race set before me. I will call out to my coach, my God. I will praise him, honor him, and love him.

God Bless.

Forget what hurt you, not what it taught you.

We all have hurts. Seems like a pretty accurate fact to state am I right? If anyone can sit there and tell me they haven't been through something that has changed them, hurt them, and made them feel overwhelmed...then he or she is a big ol' liar! It's just life. We face some tough stuff and it's how we deal with it that determines the outcome. Actually, rather who we turn to to help us deal with it. I'm all about being tough, probably a little too about it in fact. I rather suck it up all day and act like there's nothing wrong, than to admit, in my head, what is weakness. For whatever reason, I came up with the ridiculous idea that tears, talking about your hurts, and admitting to struggling are all weaknesses. Obviously I'm wrong, and clearly that has lead to a not so great strategy at dealing with things. If crying was a weakness, I'd be the biggest baby these last few weeks! HAHA. I would say it's not secret that I've been struggling with some tough stuff...but it is! Few know what I'm up against, and it's not necessarily something I just go around talking about. Now, I told myself I'd never address this through my blog, but (a) because I'm a real gal who has real problems, I feel as though some can relate, and (b) it's almost like therapy to write about stuff! Anyways, without going into great detail, I battle PTSD from falling victim in a prior circumstance. It's a type of pain I though I would never, ever encounter...a type of hurt that would never present itself in my life. It did though. For the longest time, I shrugged it off, didn't address it, played it cool. Recently, however, it's been a constant war. From not sleeping a wink for nights on end, to crying for hours at night...it's not been easy. I say this not for pity, but just because it's real. I know you've probably had the same sort of grief symptoms. Maybe you've fallen victim to some sort of abuse, maybe a loved one has died in an accident, suicide may have taken a friend from you...whatever it is, I just want to share God's love. I'm a natural born leader, and tend to be the 'strong' one is times of grief. I rather not talk about what's going on in my life, and instead be there for someone else. This isn't necessarily because I'm overly compassionate or anything, more likely the case being I will avoid showing (perceived) weakness at any cost! God sure knows how to break down walls though, because he clearly placed by boyfriend in my life as the one person who I completely open up to, praise the Lord for that! Ok, anyway, back on topic. All day, everyday, I walk around concealing this huge secret. Every look, every stare, even every casual glance I take as challenge. To be real honest, for the last few weeks, from sun up to sun down, my mind has been in a constant battle with the events that have led up to this point. It's like I finally have come to terms with what happened. The sheer fact of the matter is that I was a victim. Victim to me implies weakness...(well at least in my old mindset.) What happened to me was out of my control, but 'what if's' go through my head at all times still. It's crazy because during every other tough circumstance in my life I've known exactly what to do. I give it to God, read the verses I know will help me, and then move on. This time around however, I haven't known what to do. For the first time in well, my whole life, I had no idea what move to make, I was completely overwhelmed. Even today I struggled with that. At one point this evening while being real honest with myself and blogging, I lost it. Tears streaming down  my face, I audibly cried out to God and just said 'I have no idea what I'm doing, Lord take this.' The feeling of not being in control is the hardest for me! Even in the strongest times of my life, when things were great, God was leading me at full steam, and I felt on top of it, I would still rely on those little plans I had mapped out in my head. Francesca Battistelli sings this in one of her songs: "I'm letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams. I'm losing control of my destiny. It feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe, so I'm letting go." This, this right here, this little chorus is the conscious choice I've had to make. Without anyone knowing, I hit rock bottom. No, physical harm did not happen (even though stress has had those results) financially I'm fine, everything looks to be going great...it's just the emotional rock bottom that has found me. It's found me broken down, lacking strength, and doubting hope. Woahhh, those are some serious negative thoughts right?! Well, again, I'm human. If I said I always had this idealist attitude, I'd be lying to you. These thoughts however have been replaced. The song I referenced above goes on to say: "This is a giant leap of faith, trusting and trying to embrace. The fear of thee unknown, beyond my comfort zone, but I'm letting go." There is it. Letting go is scary. The unknown is uncomfortable. Fact. But, what else do we have? Obviously I can't do it on my own. Whatever plans in my head of gaining back strength, were clearly not working. One of my go to quotes. from Pinterest of course, is 'Forget what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you.' In this crazy mess, I have learned a lot. Honestly, I'm not on the other side of it yet, and waking up each morning and facing it is a struggle. However, I have learned so much about myself, so much about the people around me, and most importantly so much about my Savior and his unfailing love for me. I almost get choked up typing that, because His love is SO UNFAILING! In the midst of absolute ugliness, his love shines on me like the brightest light you could imagine. He does that for everyone who calls upon his name. Forgiveness for the awful acts against me is a whole other blog posting I could go on about, but the bottom line is I'm letting go. I'm letting go of that anger, hurt, and frustration. I'm letting God work instead. I'm a work in progress however. At the end of most postings I can claim to have done a complete turn around. Here and now, I'm still working at it. Actually, and more importantly, God is working at it. With the inexcusable act that was committed against me, I'm choosing to take up an attitude of hope and determination..rather than resentment and hate! These wounds I have, deep as they are, will not turn me into someone I'm not. Whatever issues you're facing, let God take the reins. The hurt? Forget it. The lessons in which you've gained from dealing with it? Bring those with you everywhere.

But by the grace of God I am what I am... 1 Corinthians 15:10

Swimming lessons.

Remember when you were just learning how to swim? Dipping your feet into the pool, slowly wading in, clinging to the shallow end?  Maybe you had an instructor, a parent, or a few arm "floaties." Maybe you were scared, hesitant, not willing to leave your comfort zone. A lot of us had a mix of emotions similar to this. Now, if you successfully learned how to swim, you know that you had to overcome these fears; you had to take that risk of going into the deeper water. If we would have just stayed in the  shallow water, kept hanging out in the kiddie pool, refused to trust the one who was instructing us, then obviously there would be no gain. There would be no improvement, growth, or boost of self confidence. Luckily, I do know how to swim, and I'm glad I kicked my legs all the way into the deep end. You may be asking what in the world is the point of this posting, obviously this isn't a blog on the joys of swimming. What it is, however, is a blog reflecting my stance on faith, a faith that can be compared to swimming. When we first start out in our Christian walk, whether it was from the time we were little and always brought to church, or whether it came later in life, we start out in the "shallow end." Sure, being a new Christian yields a certain inner fire, but the level of knowledge and experience is still low...just like a little kid just getting into the pool. There's a lot of questions to be asked. Maybe the beginner swimmer asks how he should us his legs. In comparison, maybe the beginning Christian asks how to use their talents. In both situations, the starting line, so to speak, is exciting! You're so pumped to be learning such great things! Just as the new swimmer is scared to let go of the side, the new believer may be scared to let go of disapproving family. As you can see, there are a lot of comparisons and examples that can be applied to both this learning experiences. Now, in my walk, I am definitely not a beginner. I've shedded the "floaties" and have been submerged into the deep end many, many times. Just as a swimmer becomes tired, my faith has done the same. Instead of making waves in the pool, I've been content to just tread water calmly. Instead of looking for opportunities to grow, I have just remained in my comfort zone. While sitting in the morning service of Living Hope Church, Pastor John Bishop spoke about going deeper; deeper in faith, deeper in relationships, deeper in values. Of course, while sitting there with my parents, I felt as though that message was meant for me. It's funny how when a message you really need to hear, makes you feel almost called out! HA-HA! Anyways, from that great sermon, I walked away with a challenge. Rather than be content with just saying I'm a christian, throwing a few verses out every now and then, going to church sporadically...I would dive deep into my faith! 'Give me a diving board because I'm ready to do some Olympic caliber moves back into the pool of grace,' was my mentality. I was READY! As I made my way back home, settled in for the night, turned on Storage Wars, and fired up my laptop...I was thrown a curve ball. It was as through I strolled up to the plate, swinging the bat around, looking at my fans, feeling good, then received a crazy pitch and collected my unexpected strike one! An issue that I thought was put to rest, was brought back up again. A wound in which I never anticipated having to deal with, was opened up a little more. At that moment, I was presented with a choice. I could easily stuff back down that willingness to go deeper in faith, and just maintain the 'I got this on my own' attitude. On the other side of that, I could set aside every 'what if,' every doubt, and every fear and say 'Lord, I don't understand this, I don't know what to do, I don't know how deep this water is, but I know you're with me and that with YOUR strength, I can swim through this successfully.' Seems like an obvious choice right? Yeah, that is until you realize that the second one requires a ton of courage, and frankly, some hard work. There's a saying that states: "All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage."  The youth pastor of LHC spoke yesterday on the topic of going deeper as well. As he explained his new calling to the audience, I was in absolute awe of his courage. As a successful, happy, husband, father, and pastor, he felt as though God was calling him to plant a church in a totally different part of the state. With no building, preexisting congregation, limited contacts, and no house...he and his family drove to the city with their U-haul. As the story unfolded, his extremely bold, extremely courageous faith was clearly exhibited. He accepted the challenge to go deeper in faith. He literally had NOTHING lined up in the new city, yet trusted God with EVERYTHING. God's plan has since unfolded into things far greater than this family could have imagined. While no, this decision I had to make doesn't seem that hard, believe me, with the situation it's in regards to, it was. For me, those 20 seconds in my head required insane courage. At that moment, I decided to go for it. I shifted out of neutral and into drive at full force. I took a step into the deep end of the pool. I trusted the instructor. I trusted the lifeguard. I did it. This, for me, was the biggest turning point I've had in the recent months. I know that just as the fire of a new believer burns hot, then tends to fizzle out...my new found flames could do the same. When the deep part of the pool seems like too much, and I feel as though I'm drowning, I will remember one thing: MY lifeguard walks on water!

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” ^{Matthew 14:25-26}

What's God doing?

"What's God doing?" This is a question that many of us ask ourselves from time to time. Whether we'll admit to it, deny it, or even subconsciously think it, it's crossed our minds. During the rough patches of our lives, it's easy to ask questions like this. "Why, God?" "Why are you allowing this to happen?" "Where are you?" "Are you even listening to me?" As much as I would love to say I've maintained a faithful attitude 100% of the time, I've asked myself these questions before. Sometimes, life just doesn't seem fair. Bad things happen to good people, lives of amazing elders are taken, and pain inflicts itself upon the strongest of men. At times, we (including myself) are pushed to a limit, where we cry out, "Are you even here God?" This is a dangerous place to be, however. Recently it seems like terrible things have happened to wonderful people. From death and car accidents, to financial strain and job losses...the question of why does God allow this to happen, always arises. They say when it rains, it pours, and and I know for me, that's the way it's been. One thing after another, week after week...negativity has really gotten to me. I've found myself asking for just one break, one week without troubles, one stretch of time when I could be at peace. You see, we are all looking for peace, it's just something we crave. Whether it be peace in relationships, peace with a recent loss, or peace with ourselves. This crazy, broken world however, can't give that to us. We search and search for it via money, perfect looks, or possessions. Let me ask you something, how has that worked out for you? I can tell you how it's gone for me; I've come back empty handed, absolutely zip, nada. I figured that if I only had this amount of money, weighed this much, drove that car, or had the perfect relationship, that dealing with my life problems would be easy as 1-2-3. Well, LOL at me for thinking such nonsense. Sheila Walsh said "Peace is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ." Living on this Earth will always give us trouble, that's just fact of inhabiting a fallen world. Living with Christ on the other hand, will always offer us peace. Our God isn't one to force anything upon on, we have free will to believe what we want. He is however, always there for us, waiting with his out-stretched arm. He offers us the greatest of gifts: unconditional love, total peace, and great comfort. Always. Just this week, I attended a memorial service for my boyfriend's grandpa. It was absolutely amazing to see his friends and relatives demonstrate an attitude of hope and also peace. While yes, tears were shed and sadness was felt, the assurance of him being in heaven now, overwhelmed that. In the eyes of his wife, you could see peacefulness, knowing that her husband is waiting for her, in renewed health, with Jesus. Just a week prior, I was watching some ridiculous late night show. A young lady was talking about how she had lost her dad and that the fact that she would never see him again was really hard for her to deal with. The sadness and despair in her demeanor was heartbreaking. This my friends is a real life example of the quote mentioned above. In both these situations, a life was lost. In both these situations, sadness was felt. In both these situations, tears flowed. The difference however? Christ, C-H-R-I-S-T. It's not that we won't encounter troubles, it's just who we turn to in the midst of them. No God, no peace----> KNOW God, KNOW peace. It's that simple. God is always here, even when he seems silent. My man Garth Brooks sings 'Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs, that just he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care, some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.' The Lord will never leave you, never forsake you, that's a guaranteed promise. It may seem like the struggles of life are piling up and that He just doesn't care, however, that is the never, ever the case. Sure, you may get stressed, and sure, some things may be painful...but be be ASSURED he is right there beside you, guiding your life in the direction of his perfect will.

My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need. James :2-4